Patrick C. Johnson

Daily Journal (part 1.)

04/18/94 Today is becoming a very good day as I am having an excellent time with my youngest daughter. Debbie came down today we had a very good time together; she showed me more about my word processor than all that I ever learned on my own. I'm very proud of her. She is doing really well in school; I'm glad that we had this day together. I am going to start just sort of keeping an on going journal where I can put down my thoughts. I didn't think that I would be able to do this, but since she came down and showed me how to get started using the disk it will be very easy for me. I always wanted to be able to do something like this; I mean this is what I really bought this machine for in the first place. The heat is gone off I tried to get a hold of S. twice but got his answering machine, so this experience with him should prove interesting to say the least. I have never had to deal with him in this kind of a situation he should take care of it but we will see. At this point in time all of the kids are doing well. Seeing how this is the beginning of this daily journal I may as well put down a rundown of all that is happening as far as the family goes.

SHAWN; He seems to be happy, he has his Masters degree, so he has his education he seems to have many friends. He comes to see me more now days and we have some great discussions or just interesting talks about the Bible and related subjects.

KELLY; she has her family and is as of this year pursuing her studies. I am very glad that she is doing this it will help her in life.

DANIEL; He is getting ready to graduate from his nursing studies, and this will mean more money for him. I am very happy to see everything working out for him, when he was in that Gulf war I didn't know what would happen to him. I'm very glad that part of our lives is over; I can say quite frankly I was scared to death almost every day that I came home and put the news on to see what was happening over there. Every time one of those Black hawk Helicopters went down I didn't know what to expect every time the phone rang or someone would knock on the door being me of course I would fear the worst; I would get a terrible feeling that something was wrong.

SHAYNE; He is doing all right; he is going to be a daddy some time in mid summer, every time I see him he is very happy about that. He will graduate also this year and that will in turn give him some good opportunities. Everything considered he is doing well he has his hobbies to keep him busy.

DEBI; I talked a lot in the start of this, I am really glad she came down today; we had a very good day today. I know my whole life story is by no means here but I will keep updating this as I go. I just got a call from Kelly she is on her way over to use the processor it is 4:50 PM.

4-19-94 It is 1:30 PM and so far it has been a nerve-racking day, yesterday I tried to call S. about the heat and all I got was his answering machine with no call back. So this morning I tried again, same answering machine, I waited a few minuets and called his house. He himself answered and to my great surprise he was all right about the whole thing. He called the gas company and called me right back and told me that they would be over between then 9 AM and 4 PM. Lo and behold they showed up at about 12:30 and he was done around 1:30. That was great.

4-20-94 Today I picked up my sister and we went down to the training center then over to the union hall and from there to see Mom. We had a really good visit; it is so good to see her when she is feeling good. She was happy to see us; we learned a good lesson from that nurse a few weeks ago. As to leaning way over close to her so she can recognize who we are. After a really nice visit, we went over to the Mall for a cup of coffee, but my sister always has some kind of juice. We walked around there for maybe 3hrs. I bought a large 2-handled griddle for the top of the stove and some cashews that were on sale. Tonight I'm going to enter some of my postal chess games into a file on a disk that will be a great way to save them. Later I'll have some beer and watch a little TV.

4-21-94 This morning, first thing, I took the wash down and got that done. That is the job that I hate the most of all the duties that come with being single. While it was drying I came home and had some bacon and eggs on my new griddle; it was terrific. Then I went back "folded" and brought it home. After that I had the day to my self. I did my commentary study of the 4 books and then did the notes on them. For the rest of the afternoon I played over some of my old chess games and put them on a disk. And now I'm going to take a nap and just fool around with the TV for the rest of the day and evening.

Tonight an old friend of mine came down with my son Danny to see me and play some chess, namely Woodpile. We are having a real good time. At this time they are playing each other [it is 9 PM]. Ron and I worked together many years ago in what was called winding. We spent a lot of time drinking beer on our supper break, it was an interesting time in my life. We both were young and what better excuse is there for what we did. Tonight is fun.

4-22-94 I had a busy, but productive day, I just finished putting ten chess games onto a disk. And of course you must play them all over first; I mean that is the same as proof reading them. So I'm pretty tired I'm just sitting back and relaxing.

4-23-94 My day was spent playing over my old postal games and then putting them on a disk. I started at about 9 AM and did not finish till 5:15 PM. I am real tired now. It is now 7:30 PM. Danny stopped by for a few minutes before going out to dinner. He was trying to be funny and bug me so I gave him the impression that he was succeeding. We went through one and a part of another game that I had gone over today. It was nice of him to stop by.

4-24-94 I didn't go to church but I should have. All in all it was a good day I copied some more games onto the disk and made some real good spaghetti soup, as we like to call it. Tried to get a hold of Debbie earlier to give her some but she was out.

4-26-94 It is now 5:20 PM and I am getting ready to go to the chess club. So far it has been an uneventful day I did some more chess and the games are going in pretty fast. Kelly came over to use the word processor and while she was here Steve came in and Shayne called up looking for Kelly because he wanted them to go out for dinner. Steve didn't want to go because his back is bothering him so he doesn’t want to ride that far. I can understand that, I go through that kind of a thing with my legs.

I just came back from the chess club and I feel awful. I played terrible. It wasn't the fact that I lost it was the way I conducted the whole game. You know, just writing this down has made me feel better. Maybe this journal is a great idea from The Lord to help me to better understand my self. I sure felt bad about myself when I came home but I feel very much better now.

4-27-94 I have just finished, playing over, and putting some 16 of my postal games, on file, on a disk. It was an uneventful day. It is a beautiful day as far as the weather went, I considered going out in the car but then thought better of it. I really did accomplish a lot today. On and off I spent a good deal of the time talking to God about my friends because with this lay off a great many of them are really in desperate need of help. As far as I am concerned all the people of earth are in desperate need of help, the problem is we are not looking for it in the right place.

4-28-94 I put 12 more of my Postal chess games on the disk so now I only have 12 more to go and probably I will do them tomorrow. I went over to the bank and did my banking so that is all taken care of. Then I went to Angelina’s in N. Adams and got a sandwich for supper and some chicken for tomorrow. Danny came over at about 4 PM. We played over some games and while he was here I finished putting the last of the games on the disk that I was working on for today. I have some stupid pain way down on my left; all I need is to have something else wrong with me.

4-29-94 I finished putting all my old postal chess on a disk, believe me it was toward the end getting tedious, but it is now done. I talked to Kelly about what to get Danny and Shayne for their graduation; I think money would be the best. And Kim's graduation is coming up, I don't know what to get her either. But rest assured I'll come up with something. I talked with Danny today and he is going to come down and take back some of the tournament game book's. I can't possibly use them all at once and he is going to have more time now so he wants to have them to study.

4-30-94 Just outside my front window were a bunch of little boys on their bikes zooming around. I love to watch them, but on the other hand I get worried that they will get hurt. After all I am an authority on that subject because when I was a child I managed to get a number of injuries. I look at these little guys with love; but for the most part I believe they see me as some kind of a weird old man. I regret that but that's how they make me feel. Danny came down with one of his games today. We looked through it together. It was an interesting game.

This morning something good happened to me. David’s mother came over to me while I was watching Stevie's soccer practice. She told me that she wanted to thank me for the way I treated David when he first came to the chess club when he was a little fellow. She said that the treatment that he got from me [she believes] has helped him make decisions better all his life. It is so nice to hear something positive from some one about the way I have lived my life. Especially since every time I look over my life all I ever see is the more negative of it.

5-1-94 Kelly came over with Stevie to see if he could have my cans and bottles, of course I told him yes. He was happy [and I hate taking them back anyway] he's a good little boy and I do love him so.

5-2-94 My sister and I had a real good time today we went to see Ma and it was a good meeting. We had a good time with her but the problem is that it is so hard to understand her. We ran into George M. I always liked him. We always got along together.

5-3-94 It is now 10:55 PM. it has been a very good day, number one I can play chess again all the fear and apprehension are finally gone. I played my old friend Will B.; Will is an excellent player with a ratting of 2001. He won but I played an outstanding game against him. I am proud of that game. There were times I was in a position to actually win and to even gain a position with a person of Will's caliber is an achievement. I feel good; I don't want to use chess to beat people; I'm not like that, but to play a person of ability and to do well really makes one feel good.

I went to Penny’s looking for a spring something but didn't find just what I was looking for. So I had a nice ride home; sat down and finished the letter to Dion. I remember by now the day felt good. I had sausage and spaghetti and it came out well.

This is an addition; I almost forgot seeing Louie C.; he came around the coroner near the spot that I like the best to sit, in the Mall, to have coffee and we spotted each other and talked for a few minutes. I swear up and down that we ran into each other in Eddies store and he made like he didn't know me. Today we talked of being at my house when we were kids playing pool, like we did. The other time he didn't even acknowledge me. He was dressed up in a suite. I guess as far as this world is concerned I am nothing. I hope in the eyes of the Lord that I amount to something.

5-5-94 It is now 4:15 PM. and Kelly just left, she came over to use the word processor. She says that this is the last paper for this year. I like to have her come over! In the morning I got the wash done that is always the high point of my day. For what is left of the day and evening, I think I'll just kind of play with the TV.

5-6-94 Took my sister down the Mall. We can find more ways to pass time than anyone I know of. I picked up a TV guide to read all about “The Stand” coming on next week. I'm waiting for that because I want to see how they did it and compare that to how the book tells the story.

No matter how bad I feel every time I sit down to write about the day I always begin to feel better. I had quite a time trying to find out about this pay back check that we have been told since January that we are to receive. I don't know why but right now I feel, physically, I feel awful.

5-7-94 It is 11:40 AM and I just got off the phone with Brian F. He says that people are not being laid off at Schenectady and that everybody that thinks that, is wrong. We almost got into an argument over it but it just isn't worth the effort. Other than that this day was good so far. I went out about 8:30 AM to send out my unemployment, and then had a nice breakfast, then did my reading and also had to do yesterday's. I can't remember when I've skipped a day; it certainly has been a long time.

Now I am back. It is 6:20 PM. I went out and did a little shopping, and put two more games on the disk. It is a great way to study chess. You know of course that every game that I put on a disk I play it over and with this caliber of game, you learn.

I thought about the Lord today, I don't know what is going to happen in the world (by the way no one does). It seems to me that the world is so full of violence and out-right greed, and this nation just seems to have the idea that we can tell others what to do and how they ought to live. Who do we think that we are?

Back again [7:25PM]. My daughter Kelly and my grandson, a very enterprising young man, Stevie just showed up and I gave him some cans and bottles that he can turn in at the store down the street. It was a long, but interesting day.

5-8-94 It is now 11:25 AM, Mother's day. I went up to church today and received communion; it was a very nice service. A child was baptized. I always like that because it is so nice the way they do it now right within the Mass.

It is now 5:05 PM. It has been rainy and drizzly, kind of off and on, all day and quite uneventful. I haven't heard from anybody at all. I put some more chess on a disk, but a quiet day. Tonight I start taping “The Stand” by King; it should be Interesting to see how they do it. I did call and wish Kelly and my sister each a Happy Mother's day.

5-9-94 I went down to the training center, and did my little business and am set for the week. When I came home I played over a game of chess and read about 30 pages in John Macarthur’s book on Matthew, this person can really write commentaries; I'll tell you that.

Back again, it is 7:45 PM. I just got off the phone with Bob; an old friend from way back. I called him about 5:30 PM and we talked about nothing. Then he called me back and we talked about all kinds of things, starting with the 2nd part of “The Stand”, which will be on tonight, and the conversation went form there. Of course I had to refresh him on what the story is about; the Dark Man representing the Anti Christ and such and then of course he made like he was making a joke. He said, what if tomorrow, when I got up, if on my word processor, there were a message from God; what would I do? And keeping my cool with these kinds of questions, I said that I would pull the plug on the processor, and if the message remained with the power cut off then I would read it. Keep an eye out, he says, because the end times will be full of signs and then he laughed, and got a call from his Realtor, and had to attend to business.

5-10-94 A very interesting day; it is 2:05 PM and the eclipse is on the wane. Danny was just here with the little one. She was outside playing, while we were looking at a game of chess that he played with Gus last Tuesday. He's really improving, although he analyses much too fast, he's 5 moves down the line when he should be back still on moves 1 or 2.

Early on I went out and picked up some beer. Then Kelly came over to use the word processor, to do a paper for Kim; it’s always nice to have her over.

Some weird stuff on the news tonight: when I was a child, and you watched the news you believed it, but now you don't know what to believe; a sad and frightening state of affairs. I look at things and I wonder how they can continue on their present course, without tremendous disaster occurring. I wonder if the end is coming soon.

5-11-94 Today was good, except for the pain; today was one of the worst possible days so far for the pain relating to the neuritis that I have ever had ever. It seems to have cleared up for now. We'll see!

5-12-94 Today I spent a good deal of time listening to my Pastor Chuck tapes; this is quality time well spent. I came across this person many years ago, it is an interesting story, but for another time.

Gus called me today at about noon; he said that he called me then because I told him in the past that I never eat lunch. He was concerned that I wasn't at the chess club. He's a nice person I like him a lot since I first meant him. On the first night of the club, back in December, new people were coming in; I was taking their names; I didn't know any of them except for my old friend Will and I noticed that they were all talking about a real strong player in town. A person rated well over 2100, and as they were talking I looked up and in came a small person whom for some reason I took to immediately. He was amiable, not self-esteeming; someone that I could really get to know, and like. And that is a hard thing for me! I mean I can talk with new people, but to let them in, to get to know the real me, that's totally something else. As I say he called today to see how I am or was on Tuesday, because I didn't show up at the chess club. That was very nice of him. We talked about a lot of things, as I remember, including his game with Danny; they had a very interesting end game. I called him back tonight; we had a nice chat about things; mainly my many maladies. Like I say, I like this person, that's better than I can say about most people that I run into in this world. I got a call from Bob today; he is still trying to get his place ready for the open house on Saturday.

5-13-94 There you go Friday the 13th. Even with that I still had a good day, took my sister down to the Mall we walked around and then we went to Super Stop and Shop. I bought some stuff; they have a real good bakery. Bob called early, I think he has more interest in my sister than he should have; I don't like that; period. Hank got his check I hope that mine will show up soon, maybe tomorrow.

5-14-94 Well the pay back check finally arrived; it was much less than anyone thought it would be. These guys were talking thousands, not quite; oh it was enough for me personally it helped with the bills, but it was nowhere what these guys were looking for. So I get to buy some goodies and pay the bills; believe me it is a lot nicer to start the summer with the debt from the winter paid up than spending your extra money on old heat bills from the winter.

5-15-94 Today was definitely a good day. I put out a letter to Dion that I thought was well written for me, I told him all about the great payback money. Then Danny called up, and came down. We did some chess and lo and behold I went for a walk. Yes, I went. No Dogs to be seen. Think about that! Then we went down too Bonanza and had supper. All in all it really was a nice day but even still I'm glad to be home. That Brianna, for as small as she is, I swear, she ate as much as I did.

5-16-94 I went and got my sister and we went to Pittsfield and I did my usual business for the week. And then we went to the Mall and to Bradley’s and Wall Mart in N. Adams. We had a pretty full day. I am beginning to hurt more and more, early in the day as time goes by. I don't think that I'm going to ever work again. I don't know what is going to happen, but I don't see how I can ever hold a job again. Other than that I sent out for a new membership in the USCF, I am thinking of playing postal chess again as I used to do. This should prove interesting.

5-17-94 DISASTER! DISASTER! DISASTER! I just came home from the chess club. It is now 7:25 PM. I played the most absolutely terrible game of chess in my whole life. I just don't understand how one week I can play normally and the next week play awful. I played Ralph tonight, I am not bragging, but it should have been a win. Don't get me wrong I like Ralph but I should not have lost this game this badly. So I'm going to drop out of the tournament; I think that is best for everyone. All I'm doing is slowing them down. Other than that I had a good day. I think from now on I am going concentrate my efforts on a serious studying and writings on the Bible. The book of Jeremiah is one I’ve been meaning to start. The word of God is my first love. I'm going to think about it and give it all my effort.

This morning I went down to the Mall to have coffee with Bob, it was all right, but I have never seen a person with so many problems; he can’t this, he doesn’t that, he ran this, and didn’t mean that! But he's my friend!

5-18-94 Today is Wednesday, I went out and I have everything done; I have no commitment to anything now. For the next few days all the time is mine and with that time I am going to be studying the word of God and just let it minister unto me. I want to find a way to start putting my thoughts down as I'm studying.

About noon I got a call from Ralph, and we had an interesting chat about the chess club and putting in a rating system. We think this would be a way of holding most everyone's attention. We talked about what rules we should have; in the end it should be very interesting to see the outcome of all of this. I started to play Pastor Chuck, which I am going to continue as soon as I am finished with this. Danny came down and we looked at his game that he had with Will, and the game I had with him the week before last. It was an enjoyable time well spent.

Back again, it is 7:15 PM. No call from Bob yet. By now he has usually called, sometimes 3 times; maybe he's mad at me; who knows. I don't know, I like Bob, but lately he says the stupidest things; you'll say things and he will want you to repeat the whole thing. Like he's checking you on what you said. It’s just a feeling that I have, but he dose this all the time.

I am really getting to like doing this journal everyday, I don't care who reads this some day. I just enjoy doing this!

5-19-94 I spent an extraordinary day. I studied 11 hours of tapes, of the last 3 chapters of the Gospel of John. I was up at 5:45, and the tapes were running by just before 6:00 AM and finished at about 5:10 PM. It was a day well spent I can tell you that. Believe it or not along about the middle of the day the Gas Company showed up to shut down my gas. I was in total shock, “again". But we got it straight; all I can say is “Why is it always me?” On to the tapes: the set is almost complete, it has been in the works for, I would say, 8, maybe 9, years. I have probably another year and it will be complete. It is a commentary on the entire Bible; it will be more than 500 cassette tapes. I would say that 90% are 2-hour tapes. I came across this Pastor Chuck many years ago on the radio when I really needed some one just like him. I thank God for him all the time. This man's ministry is such a blessing to me, I can't tell you. It will just have to come out on its own through my keeping of this journal.

I herd from Bob about nine. He talked for a while. I called him back to ask him about the way to the Holyoke Mall because I know that he goes there a lot and he immediately started to ask about my sister and if she had called up about going there. I am not happy with his interest in her. The worst part is, he's not smart enough to hide it.

5-20-94 Bob called early at about 9 AM; he had a pain in his arm that he was rapidly turning into a pain in my ass but when I got off the phone with him I went over to the post office, and picked up my mail and in that mail was something that made me very happy; it was an invitation to Danny's wedding. Fantastic isn't it, I called him to see if he had my sister's number of course I knew that he didn't but that's alright. I knew that she would like to go, and I also knew that this would hurt her awful. If she didn’t so I simply took care of it!!! Pretty good huh? Oh the word processor just loved to help, it is still having heart attacks over it. If this thing is capable of such a thing, this thing is like working with Data.

5-21-94 Bob called up this morning and this after noon. That guy has a lot of problems…

First thing: I sent out my unemployment. Hopefully that will come on schedule; it’s always so nice to get the check when you expect it. I spent the rest of the day with Pastor Chuck; I started the book of the Revelation. I'm trying to listen to the tapes fairly fast, because this is the beginning of a very complete study on the book. In this first part I'm going to use my Chuck tapes and my Van Impe 10 hour video series; of course Chucks tapes are 54.5 hours. I want to give my self a good start before I start to put my thoughts on a disk with this machine.

5-22-94 It is 5:10 PM. I just got off the phone with Bill. He's laid off also. It is too bad that just when we are at the point in our lives where things should be getting better they seem to be getting worse. I asked hum if he thought he could get the tapes that Joe the electrician, wanted. He thinks that he can so that will be a big help. All in all it has been a good day; I had coffee with Steve my son in law this morning. It was nice, we sat outside, it’s a gorgeous day and the sun is shining just right.

5-23-94 It is 3:45 PM, and I just got done talking too Bob. We had a little chat about nothing in particular, the weather and things like that. Today my sister and I went down to see our mother. She seemed good today, but at her age it is most-times hard to tell. I look at her and the prospects of my life really scare me. I would hate to end up in a nursing home just sitting there all day long, I miss my father and you know I really wish that he wasn't dead. But in a lot of respects, he was lucky, I don't think I ever saw him sick, he didn't ever have the physical pain that my mother has had in her life. He simply turned into an old man and in about the space of a day and a half, his system began to shut down, and he died. I would rather go that way than all the suffering that my mother is going through. Tonight I'm going to crap-out with the TV.

It is now 9:07 PM I just went down to the package store; that’s what we used to call them when I was young. I got me an extra quart. I have to do something about this drinking. Maybe it's better to talk about it here; it has caused a lot of problems in my life but I don't seem to recognize that as my problem, I like to blame my problems on anything but drinking. Nothing comes but that is my own fault. I hate this! When I look at this in a few years then I'll know just what was being said. This is personal. So please do not read this out of your own interest, you might not like what you see. You should have my sister see it first, and then explain it too you. She lived through the same kind of a thing but at a different time, she was 8 yrs older than me. I don't know how to say this; I loved my father with all my heart, but at the same time hated him. Isn't that awful to say? My father would go out and get drunk, no matter how much the family needed the money. It didn't matter. My father would come home late at night, and make a big ruckus, and get my mother out of bed to make him something to eat. I lived with that all of my life when I was a kid. Who-ever is reading this, don't judge me too harshly, you weren't there, but my sister was, ask her. I can't put it all down here. But the little that I have put down, you'll please believe that what I say is true.

5-24-94. I just got home from the Mall where I had coffee with my friend Bob. We had a really nice hour or so, I talked to him about my current reading in the Bible, which is the start of Psalms. I really love the book of Psalms; the writing is just so beautiful. Like I told him I don't see how some mere person could have sat down on his own and dreamed them up. They have to be by the inspiration of God, that is certainly what I believe. And that is why I love them so much, because here I am doing exactly what I want to do, and that is to read exactly what God himself is saying to man. I feel good today, this morning I asked my father in heaven through his son Jesus to give the amount of grace that I need. That I may have joy and happiness that can only come from him, and you know? I have it! I am, really, I am learning this machine, as otherwise I would never keep this information as I am now. It is now 5:20 PM I came home from the Mall at 11 AM and started to think what I should do and I started a study in Psalms using Surgeon's 3 volumes on the Psalms. I had a great afternoon working on that, I don't care how long it takes; it is so enjoyable. What a way to pass the rest of my life. A little while ago I had 2 little people tapping at my kitchen door, I felt sorry for them so I took pity on them and let them in. Lo and behold it was Kelly and Debi. They came in for a while, they were looking at and getting a good laugh out of some journals that I kept in 1987.

5-25-94. Today I was up fairly early, it seemed like I couldn't wait to get at my study in the Psalms. I completed verse 2 of the 1st one then I called my sister and went up there. We had an interesting visit; we can spend more time just talking than anyone that I know. We talked about now and way back to when we were kids. It is now 5:05 PM no calls yet, we will see. Danny just came in it is 8:30 PM he came from the awards banquet that I used to have to go too, to give out the chess awards too the kids. He was here for about 15 minutes we talked about Tuesdays chess club. I didn't go, he was telling me of the games he played with, Gus and he won some of them. I'm so proud of him he is really progressing rapidly in his study of chess. I just can't get back into it the way I was, I have my studies of the word of God and that is the direction that I wish to go. I'm going to study again tomorrow in Psalms.

5-26-94. Kelly came over a little while ago to practice her typing, she's very good at it let me tell you.

5-27-94. This morning Shayne came over to get his mail, I was glad to see him. He says that the child is due around July 16, this should be most interesting, another little one in the family. I went too Ralph's house for lunch, he made a very nice dish of chicken and potatoes. And showed me a lot of stuff on his computer, some of which I didn't even know existed. He had a chess game that was really something; it had animated people on the board. It would be something of real interest to spend an evening with. I like Ralph, but the problem is I feel inferior to him and some of the others in the chess club. I know that it is my fault that I feel this way; it has a lot to do with not having a job. My daughter Debi just came in for a few minuets to pick up the write up that Ralph and I worked on today, for the chess club. She read through that and for a help to me she also read through writing that I did on the Psalms. She comes in here and she just lifts my heart, I love her so, when I see her now and I think of what she went through. And I see how she came out of it, I thank my God for her, she's so little, but inside she has a heart that just doesn't quite. Her and Kelly, what a pair, they came here the other day, they just made me glad to be their father. I don't know if they will ever know what they mean to me, I don't know any better way than to express myself any better than to say that they bring such joy into my life. I would not want to live without it. It is now 7:30 PM I just got done talking to Ralph. He was worried because some where in our conversation today he referred to me as a hypochondriac. I knew then that he didn't mean it the way it came out, and that is what he was attempting to apologize for. Like I said I like Ralph, at least he brought it up rather than just let it go like most people would.

5-28-94. Spent a very quiet and useless day. Went too the Mall for a book that wasn't there, I should have known anyway. I should have gone with my first thought in the morning, and that was to continue the study in the Psalms. Come to think of it this has happened twice since I did the first study that went so well. Mean anything Pat seem familiar Pat; lets see what tomorrow's journal says.

5-29-94. Got up this morning and went too church, that felt good. I'm glad I went, I don't agree with some of the ideas of the church, but this is what I was born and brought up with. I go to come into communion with my Lord; I believe that this is a copy of what he did at the last supper. So I go and I feel good for the whole day. After I came home I got right into the study like I didn't the other two days, and I have felt good today. I feel that the last two days as far as accomplishing something were a waste I didn't accomplish anything. But today is completely different; today I feel that I have done the will of the Lord in my life. And it feels great, so from now on I going to try harder at not getting side tracked all the time. I get up with these good intentions, and all of a-sudden half the day is gone into a plain waste.

5-30-94. Today is Memorial Day; I was going to go to the parade with Kelly, but changed my mind, I don't know I just didn't feel good. So I stayed home and, mainly read and studied the gospel of Matthew in a commentary written by John Macarthur. He dose a remarkable job in his writing's on the different books of the Bible. Today I finally started a day-by-day study of the Bible with Pastor Chuck,2hrs or a tape a day. I've been meaning to start this but something always came up. Well this is it; this is going to be just like my daily reading with no end in sight. Basically just like this journal, just go till I die and that will be the end of it. I was going to start a new study in the book of the Revelation, but decided that I have enough studies going, so I think that I should finish some of them before I start something new. I have studies that have been started and then been put on the back shelf for years.

5-31-94. Well here I am it is now 5 AM, I have been awake since about 2 AM, and have been out here since about 3:30 AM. I've done some goofy things in the past but this is the first one ever that I recorded. Here I am back it is now almost 12 midnight of the same day. It was an interesting day, seems to have been, and filled with many happenings. I wasn't going to go out at all today, I called my sister when I got up at 9:23 AM, which is late for me. But after the night I spent it is not a big deal. She said no at first, but after I had something to eat, and I called her back, she decided to go. And I am very glad of that. As I sit here now in front of my machine, I know that I want to put down my inner most thoughts. I think that this is happening more and more. I went and picked her up, and we went down to the training center, then over to the Union Hall [Bruce K.] is laid off again only with no unemployment or anything. Tonight was nice, Danny graduated from his nursing studies, here is where I don't know what to put down here, my wife was there, and we loved each other since we were kids!!! It is hard for me to talk about this, it as if I loved Claire all my life, look at how it all turned out.

6-1-94. Kelly's birthday. Just came back from the party, Tara put it on at her and Shayne's house, I thought that was very nice of her. She's going to have their baby, around July 14th.I made a mistake when there, I corrected Kelly for asking me to have cake to many times, I could have handled it much better. But as I always say when you are going to be an idiot, may as well do it right; I goofed it. What else is new? Other than that today was, not very boring, but extremely boring. Bob called up I really don't know why, he didn't talk very long; sometimes I say things just to upset that guy. I know I shouldn't, but there are times when he could make anyone batty. Its now 10:45, I was thinking about tonight, mostly about being there with my Claire. I don't know so many things have happened, it shouldn't be like this. The kids should be coming to our house. Things. I don't know what to say, it’s not the way it was suppose to be. I love my children, and I loved her all my life. I ask with all due reverence my God why is it this way? It hurts so much.

6-2-94. I just got off the phone with Gus, I like him very much we had a nice chat about the chess club, and things that we want to do. It is nice to be involved in an activity like this, especially with people like this. This Gus is a person who could strut around and try to make himself to really be something, as people with much less than his ability will do. He's a nice person and I do enjoy talking to him. We also had a little discussion about my all time favorite subject the " Bible", I don't know maybe I could propose to him that we could look into starting a Bible study. Bob called this morning now I like him but and started crying again about how many things that he is suffering. That gets just a little wearisome after a while, its always the same, he's got a cold, he's got a pain, he's lost a friend. You'd think that he was the only one that these things have ever happened too. I really don't know what to do; in a way I like his calls, but in another way, once he starts talking you can't wait for him to finish. And as for the high point of the day I went out and did the wash, is that fantastic or not.

6-3-94. Today I went down to the Mall with my sister, we had coffee and talked for a while and just had a good time. We went into Service Merchandise, and I found just what I wanted for Danny and Colleen's wedding gift; a nice little coffee service, its 4 pieces, a real fancy coffee pot and creamer + sugar server and a tray. One of these days they will look back on this thing and long after I'm gone I'll come to mind. After that we went up to the apple barn, and got some things. Then I dropped her off at home, Chippy was there, I like him a lot, it took a lot of guts to accomplish what he did. I have nothing but praise for the young man. Of course on the way home I discovered her ketchup rolling around on the floor, so I took that back. Got a call from Bob, basically the same thing as always, more feeling sorry for himself. I played some Pastor Chuck, and now am going to lie back for the rest of the night. Well I'm not sorry to report that today the mouse shit-the-bed. I've had pets before, but this little fellow did not "indeed" fall into this category. What he basically, did was to stick his nose just a little too far into one of my trusty traps. And the result was good by, gonzo.>Kelly informs me that, the girls are taking Colleen out tonight, for a girl’s night out before the wedding. I gave Kelly little something to help with the [girls night out]. She informed me that would go for strawberry daiquiris that Colleen likes. My only hope is that they have a good and safe time!

6-4-94. Today was Danny's graduation; it was a beautiful day for it. It was at Tangle Wood, a really nice place, it was a strange building. The only thing it could compare to be like is the Hollywood Bowl. There were a lot of speeches; it was a real nice time. I am sorry Shayne didn't make it this year, it was a sad thing to have happen but sometimes these things happen. And it wasn't his fault. We had a nice time after; we went up to Danny's house, and we had some eats it was nice, I'm so glad for my family. Brian F. called me today just after I got home; he's concerned about world affairs. I don't blame him a bit; I sincerely believe that anything could happen at anytime.

6-5-94. Brian F. came up this morning; we had a nice talk about the Bible for a while until he started yapping about what all the people who have gotten laid off should be doing. Of which he doesn't know what he is talking, and would not do any of the things that he is saying they should do.

6-7-94. It is 8:10 PM, I just came back from the Chess Club, I lost in the end game too Jeff B. A very good player, in fact he used to be a member of my club for kids way back when. I guess that I am never to regain, what can I tell you, and there is a problem with the match with Pittsfield, some of them don't want to play non members of the USCF. Tough, I am not going to try to talk these people into taking a membership to make them happy. Today went quietly. I did some studying in Ezekiel chapter 9. This is of real interest to me, I want to do a really good study on the subject of prophecy.

6-8-94. It is 5:05 PM. I just got off the phone with Bob he seems upset. I told him about what the eye doctor found, he found damage in my eyes having to do with hemorrhaging and some kind of wax having to do with sugar. I just now, at 6:35 PM, got done talking with Gus about my day. I like him. He is a really nice person, polite for one thing. You don't find that much now days. My sister went with me today, we didn't have as good a time as we usually have. But that is because the day was mainly over shadowed by the news from the eye doctor, but we'll see.

6-9-94. Well after 2 days of doctors putting drops in my eyes, to open them up so that they can see better into them, I now have some serious pain, this is not fun. The doctor that I went to today said that I have had sugar diabetes for 15 years. That seems just a little ridiculous; it would seem to me that at least one of these other doctors would have found this. But then what do I know! Of course let us not forget that even though I say different, I never do what I am told by the doctor. So much for the doctors and me, but one thing; just for the record; I will follow the doctors advice this time. Even if I have to stop drinking, which I will not be happy doing. I think that I have been treating my drinking as a convenient way of suicide. I think that I had start being honest with myself; I don't think that I have been doing that. Maybe its time that I wake up to what is real and what is not.

6-10-94. This morning I went up too my sisters, and we went down into Bennington. We had breakfast at the Friendlys there; I've never been into this place so it was a unique experience that I enjoyed very much. We went to an Ames store there and a place that sells flowers. I stopped at her house and had a beer in the middle of the day, which is very odd for me.

6-11-94. I was out with Debi today, that was nice I love her very much. It’s so nice to see her come out so well. She's doing real good in school, and her summer job, working for Williams is fantastic. Actually everything is working out well for all of them. I'm very proud of them they've all worked very hard to get where they are.Debi and I went too Friendlys to have a little lunch, it was fun. I'm just going to sit around tonight, and watch a little TV. It is now 9:35, I have some beer in me, and I did something that I don't usually do, I had some eggs with no intention of going to bed. Usually when I get hungry for eggs I'm ready for bed, but not this time. Recently I have had some interesting experience's, as to going to bed and then waking up later and coming out and drinking in the middle of the night. This should prove to be a unique experience. It must be bothering me that I know that I must stop drinking or face a stroke or blindness or death. The only one that is welcome is death; the other 2 are totally unacceptable. So I have come too a place in my life where I must make a choice, I do not wish to spend the rest of my life in a wheel chair. A stroke would do this, and blindness would be worse. I would hate to live in this manner. So here I am; not pleasant options. I'll let you know tomorrow what I've decided.

6-12-84. Danny's wedding day, and what a day it was. Colleen is such a beautiful girl and Danny is so neat of a person, I am very proud of him. I am so very proud of them all, I danced with Debi; she said that she had never danced in that way before. And Shawn same as always, started eating first and finished last. And Shayne he really looked nice today I was glad the way he was treating Tara. He was showing himself to be the man he should be, I am proud of him. And Kelly, she got me up to dance first; she is doing such a good job with her children. Little Steve got up to dance [he's such a beautiful little boy]; I love that little boy with all my heart. Kim didn't want to get up to dance, she's a character, and she is turning into such a really beautiful girl. I've got enough love for her too, no problem! My sister and Bernie went also it was a really nice time. It is so good to be able to see them all grown up; they really are something.

6-13-49. Monday: I didn't go down to Pittsfield today to do my regular business because no.1, my glasses weren't in yet, and my sister didn't want to go. So I called a couple of times, and they weren't ready yet. Until I called about 4:45 PM. and they said that they were ready, so I will go down too get them tomorrow. I asked my sister if she wanted to go down tomorrow, but she said no. So I'll go down and see Bob for coffee.

6-14-94. I went down to get my glasses this morning, and they work perfectly. It is amazing I would not have known that my sight was so bad as it is, if I didn't get the glasses. Everything’s now so clear, just walking in the Mall I couldn't get over how different it looked. From where we have coffee I could see all the way to Hills. And everything is also so much brighter things show up so much more; it’s like seeing the world in a completely new way. Naturally I talked to the Lord my God about it, I don't know but I must be a kind of a hard case. I just don't believe in things until it is proved to me, the things of this world is what I mean. It took me along time to be able to put any faith in computers, but nowadays they are everywhere doing all kinds of jobs. I went to the Mall and had coffee with Bob he cried all the time we were there, I'm getting very tired of that. You would think that he was the only person with a problem. I am seriously thinking of ending this relationship, this guy only thinks of himself all that he wants from anybody, is for them to feel sorry for him. I am sorry that I feel this way but this gets very tiring. I am trying to take my sister's advice and to keep the glasses on as much as possible; the change in the TV is unbelievable.

6-15-94. Didn't feel like staying in today. Called my sister a little later than normal, and she decided to go with me too Pittsfield. She had at 5:30 in the morning gotten a call from Bruce, who was drunk at the time of course; where he was, it was 2 AM. This kind of a thing is very upsetting, but people do it all the time, they don't care how much pain they inflict. Their only concern is for themselves, and how they feel. Bruce hurt my sister very much indeed, so now he wants someone to feel sorry for him? PLEASE! When I got to the center my letter of recommendation from John Cinney was waiting for me as promised. I am very thankful too him for it, who knows it may help. I had an interesting call a little while ago from someone too whom I was recommended by Art L. but it was a supervisor position that I in know way am qualify for. But I am grateful that he at least thought of doing this foe me, I've known Art for many years, but this is the kind of a thing that you don't expect people too do for you. I stopped at my sister's house for a beer before I came on home. Matt came in with the newest addition too his family, that little boy is so beautiful,I don't know why but from the first time that I saw him today, he made me think of my father. It is now about 5:50 PM and I haven't heard from Bob, and you know it may be awful to say but I hope I don't. I don't know what is up with that guy, but I am getting the feeling that he is feeling so sorry for himself, that he is getting jealous of everyone around him, especially "me". What I am going to try to do is have beer tonight and tomorrow night and then try and try to give it up. I don't want to sit in the nursing home with a stroke, or and I don't know which would be worse; that or to go blind. Today turned out to be a good day. I awoke wondering what to do. I got tired of that and just went and did it, and everything was fine.I went up and got the License, the eye test took about 30 seconds, all that worrying for nothing and I do this kind of a thing all the time with everything. After that I went to the unemployment and got a new form, same thing, no problem. Came home and went down too Penny's and got some new shirts meant Bob and had a lemonade while he cried about his kid. And here I am on the eve of my 52end birthday, what a thrill, but if for my birthday my numbers would come up in the Mass Millions drawing, would that be a birthday present.

6-17-94. Well here it is my birthday; 52 years old, isn't life grand? I’m Fifty-two years old, with no job, and no prospects of one anywhere soon. So that's life. Now to the real subject at had, I got the nicest birthday present of my life. My little grandson STEVE wrote something on the bottom of his card too me that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You are the best Grandpa a boy can have, Love Steve. That is exactly the way he put it down. I love that little boy with all my heart. I just got a call from Debi to wish me happy birthday, I was very grateful for that call, and I told her what Steve wrote in his card. She said that was so sweet that he would do that. I told her that over the years that different things had happened from all of the kids that I cherish. But this one was that was right up there with the best of them all. I asked Debi if it was hot up in her place she said yes but today they had bought 2 fans and she was going to show Jeff how to put them in just the right windows, to cool the place off. She said that he didn't believe her, but I am sure she will prove her point. She's such a beautiful child. Danny just called right on the heels of her call, he wished me happy birthday, I told him also about Steve's card and how it pleased me to read what he wrote. Danny was talking about his nearly wining from Gus again, and his new chess computer. I am very proud of the way he is advancing in chess. My sister called me up she's upset because when I called her to go with me too the Mall this morning she said no. She was worried because she had forgotten that it was my birthday. I wonder how many times that I have forgotten that it was her birthday, and how many times that she wondered why I didn't take the timejust a few moments to call to wish her a happy birthday. I'm the one who should be apologizing not her. We have grown much closer over these last few years, for which I am very grateful. So here it is 52 years, sometimes I feel like I’m still 12, of course in my mind only.

6-18-94. Today it is hot; about 95 out, in I have had the fans running since early morning. It has been a very long hot and boring day. I haven't herd from Bob, and it is getting so that I don't want to hear from him. I mailed out my unemployment card that was the high point of the day.

6-20-94. Today is Kim's graduation from 6th grade. I couldn't get over the size of most of those kids, 11 years old there was one that could have passed for 20 easy. Shayne came over this morning as promised; he brought his and Shawn's cards for my birthday and Kim’s graduation. It’s always nice to have them come in and visit, that is why I really don't want to move away. I had a hard time getting down from the bleachers, and had to have Kelly and Debi help me down. I know to see that, it upset Debi, It is getting so that I just can't help it now a days. It is now 7:15 PM. And I just finished a call with Bob; he is better; I was going too cut him off. I was getting so tired of him, with all the whining and the crying, and this business of repeating the things that I said to people. But the way I talked to him about it must have struck a nerve, because we had a very pleasant conversation just like we used too. That kind of a discourse I can handle, it was very nice. He did have something to say too me about drinking beer, and I actually lied too him. I hated it but I did it anyway. I must address this problem!!!! It is now 9 PM. Danny and his wife have just come in with Brianna, “the killer” not really she is so beautiful I would just like to take her in my arms and huge her. But for some reason that little one has a problem with me, I would hate to think a little one like her could be afraid of me, I would not want that ever. I was a little drunk when they came, I shouldn't have been, I have a feeling I am going to be a lot more drunk before I go too bed. I don't feel good anymore; in fact I don't feel good ever anymore.

6-21-94. Ernie came over today he was a little nervous, I really don't know why, am I really that imposing? We had a nice chat about computers and my word processor. I did some reading in McCarthy's book on Matthew, he writes so well, I always feel so much better when I spend a day this way, you'd think that I would learn.>Every time I spend the day in God's word, its like I don't have any problems. And if I do its like their not really that bad, I have found the answers that work for me. Why don't I follow that rout then? I know this; from now on I'm going to work harder at following the bidding from the Lord everyday.

6-22-94. First things this morning I went down to the training center to do my business then went over to the Mall for coffee with Bob. That was nice for the first time in a long time, he still has a lot of weird things to say but he is at least back to tolerable. I saw one awful magazine cover; I didn't know that they could display something like that. But I guess what ever brings in the money is acceptable, that thing really shocked me for quite a while. I came home and then started to read Macarthur’s Matthew this guy writes fantastic that kind of reading always makes me feel better. Then I got a real idea, why not put my thoughts on this on a disk, and, you know its working out really well. I've just got started but I can see that it is going to be a lot of fun to do; I should maybe have started sooner. But then maybe this is the right time for me, to be able to do this thing for the Lord. I believe that this is what he wants of me at this particular time.

6-23-94. This morning turned out to be very nice, so I called my sister just too see if she would want to go down today. And lo and behold she said yes, we went to see our mother that turned out very well. Ma was laughing and talking with us it was a very good meeting with her compared to some that we've had. We stayed for a while until she wanted to go home, of which there is no such place to go for her This is a sad thing; I've been in work when I just plain wanted to leave. The problem is I had the ability to leave if I so wished to do, which I did many times. She dose not have that ability, she is stuck there. I can't imagine what she must be going through at this point, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a place that you just plain did not want to be, day after day. I can't think of hour by hour. I had a rather long day the other day, but I could break it, by simply going for a ride or a walk, if I so desired. She can't do any of those things; she is stuck there. My sister went to the Mall after that, we toured the stores, and basically had a good time.

6-24-94. Today has been one of the most enjoyable days that I have ever spent, no boredom waiting for the hours to go by. No going from one thing to another trying to break the boredom, no spending a lot of time thinking about what to do. What will I have for supper, how long will it take to make it, watching the news every hour or so. No looking through magazines or books trying to find something to pass the time. I have finally found a way to fill my days, and that is what I am going to do from now on. And that is to write about whatever I am reading or listing to on tapes, having to do with the study of Gods word, I thought about it a lot of times but I just, for some reason never got around to it. Today I feel that I have accomplished something good, I just plain love writing about the Lord. I talked to Bob a little while ago, and it seems that when I called him yesterday that it wasn't one of his daughter's that answered it was his representative conducting an open house. And she left him a message that he never looked at. Well seeing how I am out of spending money, my check didn't come, so I had to go up and see my sister, and this is not the first time. Why is it always this way with me, my whole adult life money has always been a problem of one sort or another. I enjoyed that way of doing my studies today, because you retain so much more of it.

6-25-94. Today I finished the study on the discourse, that Jesus was having with the Sadducees about the resurrection of the dead. It is the biggest study that I have put on a disk so far; I'll tell you this, doing this, is a real time passer. I'm going to keep this up like I explained the other day it is really good for me. I went out once and my check was there so I'm okay, I am really glad to have my sister there when I have a problem. Sometimes she can be a real lifesaver. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to right a little story for a magazine, who knows. But doing this is so good maybe I'll just start another one.

6-26-94. It was a very quiet day, I ate BLT's only with breakfast sausages, they were good; something different for me. I called my sister and we are going to go tomorrow; I am very glad to have her. I think tomorrow that I will attempt to get all my stuff done, that way from Tuesday till next Monday will be mine.

6-27-94. Just got back from doing my weekly business. My sister went with me. We had some laughs as usual. We have a good time together. Later this week we are going to go that open-air place in Lenox.

6-28-94. Danny just came in and got the chess clock from me, in fact I asked him to come here and get it either before or after the clubs sessions tonight. He didn't have anything to say, he was in a hurry, as anybody can understand with the family and all. I tried to get back into chess but it just doesn't come, I gave it an honest try that is for sure. We started in Dec. of 93 and it is now June 28th of 94.As far as I can see it left with the Divorce and it is still gone. I called Gus about it first, [I like him] only because I couldn't get Ralph, right away. I have had to do this for a long time, I just have not wanted to admit this too myself that I can't play chess anymore. I only hope that my son Danny is not disappointed in me, but he gives me no evidence pro or con, so I don't know what to think. It is for sure that I am certainly not the man I was, even if at anytime I really was, maybe all those years it was all in my mind. Could a person, really fool himself in this way; it is hard to come up against. Am I after all of this NOTHING.?

6-29-94. It is now 6:50 PM and I just had a call from Bible review, about renewal. And as he started his spiel I interrupted him and said, may I be Honest with you? I don't know when I heard the click, or if I even did hear it. But as I said to him I have worked for over 30 years of my life, and at this time I am laid off for almost a year. I realized that he had hung up on me without even saying anything at all. Wonderful. Don't it just give you a good feeling all over that these people can treat you this way after all these years of buying there product. I wish them well!!! I called my sister a couple of times because I was concerned about going to see the doctor.That came out just as I expected, maybe even worse. It seems that I should do as they say. I am not afraid of death, unless it is done out of God's will.

6-30-94. An exceptional day the first part was a disaster, I went down to do the wash. That I hate doing anyway, one of the three machines that I was using broke in the middle of the cycle. And of course I didn't see it until the machines were finished so that meant I had to start up another one with these half washed clothes. So that made the whole running time that much longer. Then out of the three dryers only 1 dried the clothes, so far fantastic, now I have got a house full of clothes hanging all over the place. Hopefully sometime soon they will dry out. And then I decided to go get my medicine; the pharmacists said that there was something wrong with my M+M card. So I asked if I could use his phone to call the 800 number he insisted that I go and get my second card, which is only a duplicate. So there was no sense talking to him, so I came all the way home to find the second card was in fact only a duplicate. So I simply called the 800 number from here and got the same answer's I would have gotten over their if he had simply let me use the phone, when I asked. So when I got home I simply decided to relax for the weekend, my sister doesn't want to go tomorrow, so that leaves me clear until Tuesday morning. I heard from Bob earlier, same old thing nothing, I don't know if he will call back or not?

7-1-94. My sister and I went down to the open air Mall in Lenox, it was a nice day for it. And we had a really good time.

7-2-94. Well it seems as though the disks that contain the Bible material is never going to be assessable to this machine. I have had 3 people try to put it on disks that should work in this machine and so far without success. Brian F. came up today, with his same problems, we had breakfast together, and I will not do that again. Enough said!!! We went down to the Mall mainly for me to get the disks from Ernest. That was fine I appreciate the fact that he did try to do it, he's the 3rd. person to give this a try. As to the rest of the day it is hot and humid.

7-3-94. This morning was really good I did about 50 pages in my Macarthur commentary on Matthew. That guy writes so good you can't believe it, he touches on everything. I wish that I could write that way! This afternoon got to be long, I considered calling my sister, but I can't expect to push myself on them. They have a nice life I can't go pushing in on it, It would get so that they would hate to see me coming I have seen it happen with other people, even with myself once. So here I am 4 PM wondering what am I going to do till it is time to go to bed, at about 9 PM. Which is way to early, I'll more than likely wake up at 2 or 3 unable to sleep any longer, what fun, I thought of maybe going for a ride but where to is the question. It is now 4:10 PM; well there went 10 minuets.

7-4-94. A very boring day, I thought of calling my sister, but thought better of it. The reading that I did was great it's Macarthur’s commentary on Matthew I went through 60 or so pages like it was nothing. On the contrary it was really something, he is a very clear and concise writer, he has a way of making what is being said so clear. It's like he makes you see the scene as it was taking place. I sat out a few times the neighborhood was for the 4th. very quiet compared to many past years. I recorded a lot of old Twilight Zones!

7-5-94. Today I went to see the Dietitian and she was very help-full in instruction on how I should conduct my diet; I should be eating three well spaced meals a day, instead of two and not eating all night long, of which I am very good. Well I do not want to be blind that is my greatest fear, dying doesn't bother me, I hate to let people know that because then they get all kinds of idea's about me, that are more than likely wrong. So I have come to it "tomorrow" or it is all for nothing, so I'm going to do it, I don't want to but I'm going to. And believe me I am going to need a lot of help. Are you listening Lord??!!It’s been a long time in coming; I've known it for a long time that one this day would come," well here it is". I will either do what I should do or go the way of the fool.

7-6-94. Today was the first day of my diet, and for the most part it was a success. I went out for an early morning walk, which was painful and tiring, but I did it. I did well with it during the day and at night also, you can't expect to change the habits of a lifetime in a day. I'm getting extremely sick of Bob; I'm going to start cutting him loose, he is continually trying to pry into my privet affairs. I like his company at times, but lately he always wants to know things that are not his place to know.

7-7-94. We just got back from the Albany Medical Center, Allison, Carol's daughter is their because of a horse back riding, accident. The girl is really hurt, many broken bones, anyone could see that she was in a great deal of pain. She's 15 years old a very pretty girl, hopefully they will be able to fix her up just fine.

7-8-94. I went out for a while today, it is very hot way up in the ninety's. This is not good for anyone; I was very hot when I got home. But at least the house was cooler than it was outside, so I put a fan on inside, and that will help until it cools off outside. And then I will put the fans in the windows for the night. I got my little Glucose-meter kit, wonderful it was only $92, but I will get some of that back, how much I don't know.

7-9-94. I am doing the journal that should have been done last night, but that is all right. I just wanted to make a note of that; I haven't done that before. I went to the Mall it was just to hot around here, it was nice and cool there. I met Bob there and as we were sitting there W. came by with one of his daughter's. And we had quite a chat, naturally all about the shop, according to him there are to be more layoffs, he's going to be one of the 60 to go. It doesn't seem as though we will be going back in the near future. Well I'll worry about that when it is necessary, as for now lets just take it day by day.>Danny was here yesterday for a few minuets, he had to hurry because they were moving Shayne, he said that he would come back today and help me with my Glucose-meter. Then Shayne came down after the moving was done, and visited for a while, he took his tools I was happy about that. I called Kelly; she had gone to see Allison in Albany, the news is very distressing. It seems that her doctor down there went on vacation for 2 days, [how can a doctor take on a case as bad as hers is and then go on vacation???]. I must be dumb because I do not understand this, poor Carol must be so upset. According to Kelly wonderful Albert showed up smelling of booze. Kelly says that Allison now has some infections and can't move her bowels, all of which can be very bad; she needs that doctor.

7-10-94. The day started out well, I had cereal for breakfast. I did my daily reading and in between watched some news. I took my pill, I intended on reading and studying the day away in Matthew.>But I suddenly got so overwhelmed by the urge just to get out of here, just to go some place, just to not be by my self. So I called my sister and made small talk with her for a while. I was so glad when she invited me over. So I did some things that I had to do and went up. I am very sad to say that I ruined their day, [didn't mean in any way to do that] I just seemed to keep talking and talking. Any time there was a lull in the conversation, I took care of that. I came home very upset with myself; my sister is so very good to me it is not my intent to bother her or to infringe on her and Bernie. But lo and behold I finally did exactly what I have been trying to avoid and I ended up doing it anyway. I am very concerned for Allison, she is hurt so badly, and she is so small. When I went to see her, you could see the pain she was wringing her small hands. I was doing the only thing that I could think of, and that was talking to our father in heaven through his son Jesus, to help her. She is so hurt, I keep thinking, what if this child was one of mine, how would I be. Carol seems to be bearing up well, but I know that when we are not around the tears must come. I had a few tears myself today I acted like such a at my sister's house today. I will not do that again.

7-11-94. Well here I am with my sparkling water instead of my beer. Who would have thought that it would have come to this! Actually I know that I am a lot better off, there comes a time in your life that you finally do what you are suppose to. I'll do my best, which without the Lord of my life is not too good. So in every aspect of this undertaking I humbly ask his help. Danny came down this morning, and we did our first test. Very seriously now I could see the concern in his face, I know he and the others are worried about me. So I've decided to give it my best shot, I don't want them upset, of course they don't know what he knows so for now he carries the greatest burden. I love them all very much, and I don't want them worrying about me. When I can ease all of that simply by doing what I should, as far as taking care of my self is concerned. The test result was 301, normal is between 72 and 120, need I say more??

7-12-94. Well I didn't awake as early as I had thought, and I did sleep very well compared to what I thought the passage of the night would be like. And all last night I didn't have any yearning for beer, that surprised me. Until I realized that it could, it could only be the help of the Lord. Today has been a very good day. I slept a little later than I thought I would, I had one egg with one toast for breakfast. I did my reading. Then Danny came down, and I showed him how I used the meter, he was very pleased with the way I handled it. I'm not bragging, yesterday I really upset him with the high reading from the meter. I don't intend to do that again, I love him very much. Yesterday really came home to me when I saw his concern, and realized that it was my fault and did not have to be this way; that I could change it with the help of the Lord, and I intend to do just that with the Lord's help. I love my children and wish to see them be all that they can be. Lets face it; I can't do that if I insist on doing everything that will destroy me, day after day until its to late.

7-13-94. Today I went down to see my mother with my sister. We had a really good visit; she was following the conversation with no problem. We could for the most part tell what she was saying without much problem. It was a very good experience. Then we went to the Mall and had some coffee, and walked around for a while, I had some lunch there something that I never do. We left there and went to Wall Mart, where she got some things that she was looking for, and then we went to Super Stop and Shop. I picked up some chicken there, enough for 3 days for me, and I got some salads. I like that store they have a much wider variety than Grand Union does. After I took her home I came home and started to read in John Macarthur’s commentary on Matthew, had supper, and called Kelly about Allison.>Then I decided to call my sister and took a ride up there for a short while, and tell my sister about Allison. According to Kelly she was in surgery for 6 hours all of it on her back.

7-14-94. One of the screws came out of my glasses today so I had to go to Pittsfield again. So I called up Bob met him at the Mall and got my tape back that I sent him in about April. I didn't stay at all I went with him to Hills and then came home. I must have got home at about 1 PM, I read most of the afternoon in Matthew, then at about 5 PM had supper and then went out and bought something that I shouldn't have, but that's neither here nor there. Danny is going to come down to play some chess, or better to show me his latest game that he won from his new computer; we'll have a good time. That's what's important!

7-15-94. For the most part I read John Macarthur’s commentary on Matthew; I'm almost finished with all 4 volumes. It has been an uneventful day. Until I got a call from Gus, he wants to see my old chess library, which now resides at Danny's house in N. Adams. So I got a hold of Danny and he said that we could come up anytime because he was free all day. We went up when Gus got out of work at 5 PM, and they played chess and looked at books until almost 9 PM. Young people they are tough. It was a very enjoyable evening; I thoroughly enjoyed watching them play, after they played each other they got out Danny's new chess computer. It was 4 hours well spent!

7-16-94. Got up later that normal and went over to the Post Office to do my business. Came home and had a small breakfast, did my regular reading and dove right into John Macarthur’s Matthew again. I spent most of the day with it; in fact I finished it, when I started this morning there were about 100 pages to finish the book, this finishes all 4 volumes to the tune of 1723 pages. It is probably the best and most extensive commentaries on Matthew, and I enjoyed every bit of it; none of it was boring. I finished at about 6:30 PM and my eyes haven't really cleared up fully yet, and it is now 9 PM. I am really looking forward to tomorrow to start something new, I think maybe John but am not sure yet, I'll leave it up to the Lord. I talked to Bob about the Lord today, I don't know if I am very affective or not. I've tried over the years to speak to people. And at least try to get them to start reading God's Holy word, and I don't know if I've ever helped anyone. I wish to live for the Lord, and to fulfill his will, and I ask him to grant me this.

7-17-94. I’ve had very good day full of study just like I wanted. I started out with John Macarthur’s commentary on Galatians, very good reading. What a fantastic writer he is!! I read most of the day and then for the rest of the day, I listened to Pastor Chuck, I do so enjoy listing to him talk about and teach the Word of God. I listened to him for 4 hours. So a very full and productive day, from now on I am going to try my best to keep all of my days just like this one. Although I am going to do different studies to fill the days, I haven't quiet figured them all out yet but I will, with the help of the Lord.

7-18-94 It is 8:10 PM. Tara is up at the Hospital since early today, so I could get the news anytime. I understand that they predicted the arrival about now very early in the day. This has been a good study day it has been great. I started fairly early with Pastor Chuck at 6:45 AM, and then about 9 AM I went to my Expositor's set and started in Exodus, and did about 50 or 60 pages. Studying this way is really good. I read for a while and when my eyes get tired I stop and put on some tapes, it’s a great way to pass the day. Well it is now 10 PM at around 9:30 I got a call from my daughter that Shayne Michael was born about 10 minuets earlier. He comes in at about 8 Lbs. He and his mother are both healthy and that has been my prayer for since I was told that she went to the Hospital. Everything is fine!

7-19-94. Just got home from Kim's surprise birthday party, it was fun I saw her at the Mall earlier in the day, I went down with my sister and did my business at the training center and then we went to the Mall and then to Super stop and Shop. After I came back I went up to see my new grandson Michael Shayne. He's a very beautiful little boy I am very glad for Shayne and Tara.

7-20-94. Got up late today I don't why I just stayed there in bed. I had some cereal, took a shower, sat down and got ready to spend the day reading and Bob called. So I went down to the Mall and had coffee with Bob, it was it was a very good conversation. We had a nice chat about the Bible and some of the different studies that I have in progress. After I came home I read some in a commentary on the book of Revelation. I don't know what I think of it yet; of course I only read the introduction. I'll know a lot more tomorrow after I start to read the actual commentary. After supper I listened to a couple of hours of Pastor Chuck; a very good day.

7-21-94. Very warm today the humidity must have been way up. I worked on my study of the book of Revelation today, first thing I did was stop using those Interpreter commentaries, you can find the reason for me not using them in the Notes on Revelation, first file. So I started in Matthew Henry's commentaries, all I can say is wonderful! So, so far the day has been great, and you'll never believe it but even my check came on time.

7-22-94. I read the introduction in Eusebius, I believe this will be some very interesting reading. About noon I started up Pastor Chuck and listened to almost to the end of Revelation, should finish it tomorrow. I almost forgot the high point of the day. I did the wash. This is always a thrill. Called Danny but he was getting ready to go to Lake George for the weekend. I asked the Lord to give him a safe trip; I'm sure he will.

7-24-94. An excellent day of study, one of the best I ever had. First after my regular reading I finished up my Pastor Chuck notes from last night. Then I started to read in John Macarthur’s commentary on Galatians, Paul was having the problem of teaching them the same truths all over again because of the Judeizers. Who were trying and succeeding in telling the people that not only grace but also they must be under the law. And Paul was telling them that if that were true, then Christ died for nothing. Which would be true. After which I had something to eat, and then did my Pastor Chuck study. That study is something that no matter what, job or know job I am going to keep at it every day. It is now 8:50 PM, and I am tired. Thank you Lord for this day!

7-25-94. At first I wasn't going to go out, but then I got a call from the insurance in Florida, and they told me that I could get the forms that I needed here in Pittsfield. So I decided to go out so I called my sister back and we went down. We got back at about 3 PM. I had the doctor’s appointment at 4:45 PM. It went well with him he said that he was pleased with my progress. If he only knew!!!???As of tomorrow it will be all straight. The new way in which I am studying Pastor Chuck tapes is really something new for me. Without this word processor it would not be this good. Thank you Lord, I am going to try to do your will.

7-26-94. I got into my study in the Old Testament this morning and got so entrusted in one subject so much that I put the study on my topical disk. Then I talked to Bob for a while he's very upset over this moving away. He's having a lot of problems with it family wise, they are having a lot of fights over it, and now on top of that the father in law who dose not like him has come for a visit. I wouldn't want to be that guy!!! Brian F. called today he's always just so up lifting, he knows everything that is wrong with me how this came about and how many other people have died from the same thing that I have. He's coming up Saturday I hope he's got a different out look than today. The Pastor Chuck study is going extremely well I only stopped putting it in the disk because I was afraid of a power outage because of lightning and wipe out the material on the disk. So I'll finish it up tomorrow.

7-27-94. Weather wise, this was an exceptional day. I went down to the Mall and had coffee with Bob. I took the little topical study on how God gives us what we need when we need it. I don't know what he thought of it; I just wanted him to see how I spend my time. I love doing these studies. After I came back I read some in the Expositors commentaries in Exodus. Then I did some Pastor Chuck on Noah's flood, I won't finish it until tomorrow. I'm just going to hang around tonight.

7-28-94. It is 7 PM and I just finished up my studies for today. First thing I finished up in Genesis for last night. Then I studied the 2nd chapter and the first church, Ephesus it was long but I believe very good. I spent most of the day at that I really enjoyed it. I'm not going to be in any hurry to finish it just go along and everyday keep at it. I am so grateful that God is allowing me to do this; I think that today is the last of the beer maybe forever...

7-30-94. An excellent day for study; I worked on the book of Revelation in Matthew Henry's commentaries. This guy lived in the 17 hundreds what a wonderful life this person must have had for the Lord. What a way to live, he in his writings said some marvelous things. I more and more want my life to be for the Lord, but at times I do some of the dumbest things. Like I say it was a wonderful day of study. I talked to Bob for a while to day, he cry's about things that he has no control over, or things that he thinks he should have done differently in the past, which both in reality are the same things. I am so enjoying this new way of studying God's word; it is so wonderful.

7-30-94. Had to change file name on yesterday entry it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to do. What I did was put in today's date for yesterdays and had to fix it. Bob called me tonight. He was very upset. He's talking about divorce, but I can tell he's calling me in secret, which bothers me. I am a straightforward kind of a person, so these kinds of a thing dose bother me. Something is wrong as far as Kelly is concerned, I don't know what it is. I love that family, every time Kim sees me she makes a point of saying Hi to me, Stevie doesn’t do that at all. I hate to say it but he acts as if he's ashamed of me, this is the first time that I have ever spoken of this in these journals. But it hurts me so. Shawn came down today, what an intelligent person he is, my first born, I do love him so much. I really get irritated when someone speaks against him. Ah I remember him when I brought him home from the hospital, I was a man in those days not like now. He was so beautiful, we put him in his little bed we were so proud. We loved him so much. And now my life is so different from what it should have been, I don't have a job, and worst I don't have a family around me. I love them so, and the worst is I don't think that they know. Some of them have inkling, but they really don't know how I feel about them, I love them.

7-31-94. Ah! Pat, what a handy fellow, I was wondering why it was so hot in here; I can hear the fan running. I didn't have the window fan in the kitchen on; I had the floor fan in the bedroom running with no help to where I was at all. Another well thought out move, that's all wrong, what else is new. I went up to see little Michael Shayne today, he is so beautiful, and he makes me think of Danny when he was small. I saw Danny today when I was parking the car to see my new grandson he looked so nice all dressed up to go to work in his nurses’ uniform. He's going to have such a good life, no thanks to me, he did it all on his own as have the rest of the kids. I don't feel good today; Claire and Debi came to Shayne's house while I was there, to see the baby. And Claire was holding the baby, and talking to him like she did ours. Maybe I am what my father called me so many years ago when I was a child,a fool. I remember going to look that word up in a book, and that book told me that a fool is a person that is on his way to hell. I loved my father, and I loved Claire, who knows maybe I am such a as my father would say fool. I hope not, only the Lord God that I worship knows. I wonder if in fact that I do love her, love is a very strange thing to us, why do I react to her in the way that I do. I am so glad for the children they are so beautiful, and I love them so. It has been a lot of years, maybe the best thing to do is actually take a job and move away, I could do it when I get my money in October.

8-1-94. My sister and I went to the Mall and the training center where I go on Mondays to do my business to get my check each week. It was a very beautiful day weather-wise. I didn't hear from Bob at all today which is unusual; he's having his problems. He doesn't want to move away I can agree with that. As far as I'm concerned I've got to change and as far as I can see I don't want to, but that seems to be neither here nor there. Stevie talked to me when I got back about taking the cans down but he never came over, probably forgot, he's a kid and what a good one he is. I didn't have much time for study today, but that will change for Mondays very soon. I looked through the books that I want to buy when I get my money, no matter what, and I know they are expensive, I am going to do this, this could be the last time that I can do this, on this scale, of course. I have kept it to only books that I am going to read and study in the very near future. There are others that I want but I am keeping it as economical as possible. If I ever hit it big I'm going have a collection of books that will be unbelievable. I promise!!!