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Daily Journal Part 2

Daily Journal Wednesday 8/7/96.There has been a little break in my entries, but that will stop now, yes it has been one great summer but that is not a good excuse. So I will get back to being faithful about writing everyday from now on. I am not hearing from Bob anymore at all now and I think that it all for the best.

†††† A lot of things have happened in the last couple of months, I have this new computer that I have been trying to get used to operating. This is a real challenge, Danny is very happy that I bought this, mainly because he has so much fun with his, he comes down here and shows me all kinds of things that can be done with this. He has put in every game that he has and then some, he has really gone out of his way to help me with this thing. The only complaint that I have with him is he goes so fast you donít know what he is talking about. Kim comes over here and uses it and that is good, this summer her and I have actually gotten to know each other much better than I could have ever hopped for. I get along with Steve very well also, but I just didnít have the understanding of Kim that I do now, and I am very glad of that. Kim and I are going on a trip to see Debi on this coming Monday and Tuesday; I have never seen where Debi lives so it will be new to me. I am going to take the camcorder, and make a lot of film that way I can look back on the trip for years to come. Kim and I took a total inventory of all my books and other things for the purpose of getting some fire insurance on the place. I think that we were both surprised at just what is really here. We even missed some stuff and it came to $17,000 and thatís not furnishings or the new computer. Today is beautiful, the sun has shined all day long, and it was about 95 degrees out so I stayed in the house for the most part with my new air conditioner. I went all out getting things this year. I have a new Lincoln town car. I guess enough said for today. Now I am going to attempt to do Dionís tape, that guy I donít know about.

Daily Journal. 8/8/96. Thursday. Today was quite interesting it started out with the wash, which is always the high point of the day. When I do the wash I always buy the Eagle, the most interesting thing about the Eagle today was that a few hours later I saw someone reading what must have been my Eagle out on the steps of the Laundromat. I now have 33 shirts that I can wear, isnít that the most interesting thing that you have ever heard. While the wash was drying I came home and had breakfast. Ha! When I went back to get it the best was yet to come. In the middle dryer it was totally wet nothing was dry. I am going to try the place that Kelly goes across town. And thatís just the wash, what a day! Next I went to the bank to get what I needed for my up coming trip to Debbieís house, and I stopped off at the PO box, and nothing of importance. Today it was over 90 degrees, but here with my new air conditioner, it was quite comfortable. I feel as though I did accomplish a lot in the study of Godís Word, and the use of this machine. It should be a very interesting winter. I finally did Dionís tape, he keeps asking me the same questions, all he seems to care about is the great catching away, of course he doesnít refer to it in that way. It took me 3 days to begin to answer this tape.

8/9/96. Friday. Daily Journal. Today I had a good day, I took my sister to the Mall and to Stop-and-Shop, it went well. I got my self some luggage to go to Debbieís with. Really ran into a great sale. I mean a good one; I got a small piece and a medium piece for $50 that was good. I also picked up some shorts; it was just an all around good trip.

8/10/96. Saturday. Daily Journal. Today is the day that I put all my files into this machine, it was good to do that and get that over with, I was having all those batty thoughts that I always have anyway. Maybe Iíll leave this part out or not, no I am leaving it all just how God directed it to be, and now I am going to put the time in that I should be putting in. No more fooling around!This morning I took Kellyís family out to breakfast and they had a great time that kind of doing stuff is family and I love it. It was nice we went to the chefís hat over here near Cozy Corners. They had a game to go to for Kim today, they really have a good family relationship, better than I ever grew up in. My father didnít do anything with me or as far as I can tell my sister either. He never went to a boy scout dinner or any function that I had, after a while I stopped going alone, that turned out to be more ridiculous than not going at all. Tonight Danny is coming down for a while to put another, game in the machine; I look forward to seeing him. Tomorrow I am going to rest as much as possible for my upcoming trip to Debbieís house.†††

8/11/96. Daily Journal. Sunday. I didnít go to church and I should have, the only reason I didnít go was I was being lazy, and that is no excuse. Other than that it was a very good day, Spiritual wise and weather wise or any other wise it was a great day.I worked on my study in Revelation I mean my personal one, it helped me to figure the best way to get from the old studies on the word processor to blend them into the new machine. This day I came up with a real good way of doing just that, it seems if I work at it long enough and asking Godís help, after a while it all falls into place. Tonight all I have to do is to go to bed a little early so I will feel good for me and Kimís trip to Debbieís. The Lord will protect us; we will be safe and have a good visit with Debi.

8/14/96. Daily Journal. Wednesday. This entry will cover 8/12-13-14.The 12th & 13th were Debbieís trip, Kim and I had a great time and I think Deb and her boy friend also had a great time. We left here about 5:45 AM and arrived there just about 9:00 AM. It was a very good trip up and we missed a lot of traffic by going so early, Kim was a little tired but we did aright. We were running into some traffic as we were getting ready to leave 128, as far as Kim knowing the way, we had no trouble getting through the town at all. Debi was right there at the door waiting for us, [sheís so beautiful] and I love her so! I went into her house and took a rest right away and we had some nice conversation. After a little while I went down and registered at the motel. Then by the time I was back at Debbieís Jeff was on the way home, and when he got home we rode all over the place and made a video out of all the places that we went. It seems strange to me, but I saw places there that I was totally familiar with, saw streets that I could identify with at least 4 places. Thatís what we did the first day and we ate lunch out on the back of this restaurant that had an extension that hung out over the water of the ocean.

That night as we were watching TV Debi started talking about once when she was little and really having a hard time because of the then divorce. She was in her bed and just feeling bad and crying about it, she told us that Grandpa Cecil came to her to comfort her. Her saying that made me feel very good, for many reasons. Then they took me to the motel, once I was there and they were gone I was very unhappy and lonely, so I went out for a walk. And Iíd have never guessed it but I walked right into a package store, the rest of the night went very well indeed. Tuesday morning I went to Debbieís for breakfast, I fixed myself some once over lightly eggs, and showed Deb how to do it at the same time. From there we went to the Mall, itís a really nice place, lots of different stores. I bought a candleholder of almost all the Looney-Toon characters. That is what I have that will always remind me of this trip that I so enjoyed.

8/16/96. Daily Journal. Friday.Well to day I worked with the processor to print out a lot of the old files, I did print out 22 pages. The machine performed flawlessly, it really did. I have no complaint about that machine except that you canít read it on any other machine. Tomorrow I finally get to work in my writings knowing what I am going to do with them now, I have a pretty good system worked out that I will be able to use very easily. This is what I wanted all along and now I am ready to go, all I have to do now is to reduce the size of the screen in the Daniel file.

8/17/96. Daily Journal Saturday. Today I worked on my private Revelations, I was in chapter 5 and doing well I might add. This morning I went out for a nice ride, I like to go out at least once during the day; weather wise today was a very nice day. For me the summer seems to be ending, but we still have a great deal of it to go. Well now I am going to play a little solitaire, and then have an early to bed.

8/18/96. Daily Journal Sunday. I went to church today, it was a good experience, I should go every Sunday, and there is no reason for me not to go. I took a little ride after church, it didnít amount to anything just a waste of time, I seem to do that a lot lately. I did some reading today in one of the prophecy books, I donít know if they are for me or not?This afternoon from about 1 until 4:30 I had the worst pain of my life, I hope that this is not what awaits me, but I believe that it is. It was very disheartening, I donít know if I should tell any of the kids or not, maybe Iíll talk it over with my sister. This pain came between 20 and 45 seconds, a terrible shooting pain in the left side of my left foot; I didnít know what to do to help it stop. I tell you the truth that if that pain came and never went away I would consider taking my life to end it. And anyone reading this if you have never experienced something like this; donít judge me unless you fully understand.

8/19/96 Daily Journal Monday. Today I took my sister out shopping, I had a nice conversation with a young man in a menís clothing shop. We were talking about Williamstown and how to advertise his store here because of Williamís college. He was nice and really seemed like a go-getter. We went to stop and shop, I got about $13 worth of stuff. I have got to stop buying things that I eventually throw out because I donít use them. The rest of to day I am just going to sit back and do nothing, and then tomorrow Hebrews look out, I am going to set a scheduled and live by it; Sincerely yours Patrick Johnson.††

8/20/96 Daily Journal Tuesday. It is 5 PM and I am very lonely, this happens sometimes, it comes and goes but sometimes is worse than others. Today does not seem like it is going to be an easy one to contend with. So Iíll try to drink some beer real fast so that I can go to bed early and sleep good at least for a while, and maybe wake up in a better mood. I have exactly what I want; a way to not work; my time to myself, and enough money to get along. If I have exactly what I wanted then why sometimes am I not happy? Maybe I donít do what I say that I do enough. More prayer for instance, when I really get into some real serious prayer, it is such a wonderful experience. Maybe I should keep a prayer journal, and why not, tomorrow could be the first day. God has given me all that I need to pass my time and thatís for sure. I did part of a page in Hebrews it was mostly copying part of a file from the original getting the files up to date is going very well.

8/21/96. Daily Journal Wednesday. Well I got all of my Hebrews copied in to the new file now I can start the actual study of it tomorrow. Itís about time anyway. Today I started a new file that I had just not thought of before, a personal prayer journal. A lot of interesting things came out of me in that first entry, this should prove to be some very intriguing reading sometime in the near future.Just a note I am really beginning to like playing the solitary game that is in the computer.

8-22-96 Thursday Daily Journal. Today just didnít go well, as for thought; a very chaotic day indeed, I canít seem to make a decision for some reason now. Everything that I start to do becomes a total war with in me; I donít know maybe I need help. I have the Lord in my life and I still seem to have a great deal of chaos, I know that it is the devil, but why is he so interested in me. I wish to live for the Lord in all my doings. Maybe I am to hard on myself, this could very well be!

8-23-96. Daily Journal Friday.I just finished Dionís tape; I am beginning to wonder why I continue to send these tapes back and forth. He keeps talking about how our thinking is exactly the same; nothing could be farther from the truth.

8-26-96 Monday Daily Journal. The last few days have been rather hectic, Danny went on the Internet, and so did I, basically it took almost all of Saturday to do this. It is a very good thing; the problem is that Iím having a hard time understand some of these things. With out Dannyís help I would be completely lost. He comes down here to help me, and he is very patient with me, and for that I am grateful. Today is very nice it is sunny and just balmy outside, my sister and I went to the Mall and the grocery store. I bought some fish sticks; I havenít had them in years. Well I think that I will check out the news on the Internet and then a little solitaire, and a little TV and then bed.

8-27-96. Tuesday Daily Journal. Brian came up to visit me from Pittsfield, I appreciate that, and at least he hasnít forgotten me, as have most of my so-called friends. We had nice chat as we usually do; we ripped up Dion as we usually do, thatís always-great fun, especially as Brian can barely stand him. The computer is working fine, I was able to show Brian some of the things that I can do with it. He was impressed with this machine. If I finally learn to slow down it will be much easier than it is for me now, although today was much better. I am so glad that Danny talked me into the computer and now the Internet. I now have something to keep me entertained for probably the rest of my life. Today is a very nice day with sunshine and a little gentile breeze.

8-28-96. Wednesday Daily Journal. Today is the day that Kim and I rode to Greenfield while Kim was cam cording the whole trip. When we got to Greenfield we had lunch at the Friendlys there. On the way back we did a lot of scenery shots, and we stopped at some of the little shops along the way. We had a very good day; we have decided to do some in the fall also, that is a very colorful time around here.

9-13-96. Friday Daily Journal. This day was very good; I simply have to keep at this. This morning started with some news and then a very good prayer that carried me through the day. I was up at a little after 5, and like I say started with a great prayer then I started my studies in the Pastor Chuck tapes which I already have about 120 pages on the disks from the old processor. And it just went so well, it was so enjoyable, it is easy to see why the devil fights me on these writings, God has given me some really great things to do with the rest of my life and it is about time to do them. I am trying to find the best ways to do the studies, that may sound funny, but there are three of them and I just canít mingle them during the day. So I think maybe I will do one of them a month, so that my mind is still in the one that I am doing for a month. We will see how this works out; I just think that it will be too much to be doing one in the morning and then changing to one in the afternoon. All I know for sure is that I had one great day with our Lord.

November 6th.Very lonely, very unhappy, I cannot live up to what I should be, I am very sorry for this, but this is no help. The problem is that I really want to live as our Lord would have me, and I donít even do as well as I was doing a couple years ago. O I donít know, I really do have a much better prayer life, but is this enough? I think that it is good, but still not enough. Sorry to be away from this so long, but I feel I will get better at this. How could I do worse?

November 12th. I am getting ready to go see Dr. Clutz for my toenail clipping, I can think of more fun things to do believe me. It is about 30 degrees out side although a very nice day all in all. Tomorrow I will be working in Rev mine, I will put an entry in and talk about that, I really want to become steadier in this, but we will see. Winter is really coming on, some parts of the country already have very bad storms already, I am sure that we will catch up to them.

SECOND ENTRY! Not very happy, the doctor has discovered a real injury to one of my toes on the left foot, this worries me. I donít need to have pieces cut off of me, and this is what causes that very scenario. It must have him worried because he wants to see me on Thursday, thatís the thirteenth, only two days away. I think that I am going to get drunk for the last time. Yes I think that is what I am going to do.Well we will see in this journal what this is like, I have been drinking for a very long time, but I am sure the lord will be there, He always is; too bad I donít listen. I love you Lord, I have nothing better to say in my limited language. I love you Lord, I canít do this without you, and I donít want to.

Daily Journal, 11/13/96 Wednesday. Well I got a tape out of Dion today then I went out and did all my little errands, I bought two TV dinners, I was surprised how good the first one was, it even had corn on the comb. Well I will be back tomorrow after I see the doctor.

11/14/96. Daily Journal. A very good day, Steve and I went out to breakfast at Friendlys, it was nice. While there we started talking about the computer and the Internet, so after he walked the dog he came over and spent about 2 1/2 hours here reading a lot of sports news. It was a very nice and different way to spend the day for me. Then Dion called up, and we had a little talk, and that was a very nice surprise.I went to see the doctor and the toe is going to be all right and for that I am grateful. Losing a toe is not my idea of fun, but it is going to be fine.

11/17/96. Daily journal. A very long and boring Sunday; I started out alright, I went to church, took a little ride, came home and have been at lose ends all day. Just bouncing from one thing to another, what a lousy day so far, sorry to complain but this is the way that it is. Hopefully tonight will be better. For now I think that I will try some newspapers, maybe the Jerusalem Post.

11/18/96. Daily Journal. A good day, took my sister to the Mall, I ran into Hank, I havenít seen him in a long time. It was good to see him again we had a nice talk, he looked good, he is working for a school on the second shift. He says that he is the only one in the building period. That would be very hard to live with every day, day in and out. I always liked Hank.

11/19/96. Daily Journal. Today was a good day; I had a most marvelous prayer, now that is the way to start a day. It was for me a very enlightening talk with God. I want to live for God, I want to be one of His adopted sons by His Son and I believe that I am. But my problem is why donít I live better? I will probably be asking this very question on my deathbed, I wonder if I will ever be what I am supposed to be in this life. I finished Stephen kings green mile, certainly a different ending for him. I read some in Desperation today; I think that I will work harder at that than I have been.

11/20/96. Daily journal. Brian just left we had some corned beef and cabbage together for supper it was nice. It is always nice to see Brian, as usual we ripped up Wiggy and of course we gave Dion equal time. We talked about the days in the shop, good and bad alike; he took some of the corned beef home for his wife. This morning started with a great prayer, and I believe with a happening from God concerning John 6 verse 37 it was exactly what I need and God knew this, and so he put it before me. And it made all the difference for me.

11/21/96. Daily Journal Thursday. A very good day; this morning I went to see Danny and got the family picture, we had a nice visit. Evan was being himself, just a perfect little boy at home in his element. It was cold today, but nice. I worked in Rev me and it was very good, I had a lot to say and am sure that our Lord had some things to say and that always makes me very happy. What a joy it is to come to the conclusion that our lord is speaking through you, nothing is better than this.Its 6 PM and Kim just left, she came over to do some home work on the computer, and she ended up showing me how to play the Monopoly game.

11/22/96. Daily Journal. Friday. Took my sister to the Mall, and Stop and Shop, and picked up Steveís radio controlled jeep, I hope he has a good time with it. I also picked up Debbieís clock radio. This afternoon I listened to Dionís tape, it was so exciting that I fell asleep during it, sorry about that. Didnít do any studying, but for the next few days. Look out!

11/23/96. Daily Journal Saturday. I finished chapter 5 of Revelation, it came out very well, and then I discovered that channel 38 was having a fiesta of all the weekend putting on a new series called Understanding. I am copying them. They are something different for me but thatís aright. So I will be busy all day Saturday and Sunday

11/24/96. Daily Journal Sunday. I didnít go to church, I should have, but what can I say? I went up and ordered the raspberry squares for thanksgiving morning, and stopped to see my sister for a while. I am still copying the new understanding series; I have a lot of them now. It should be a long and very boring night. See you tomorrow.

11/25/96. Daily Journal Monday. Today is winter; it is snowing in the morning and then about midday it was gently raining. Tonight it is supposed to rain and snow well into tomorrow. So as we can see it is going to be just great, as far as the arthritis goes, all my bones hurt. So for today I just decided to fool around with the TV, and my videos. Well at least I have them. This morning started with a very good prayer, I plan to start tomorrow in the same way.Second entry. Kim came over to bring back the CD of the Encyclopedia. Sheís a person who could make something of her life. Sheís a good kid and I love her, I hope that life treats her okay.

11/27/96. Daily Journal. We had snow early this morning, and it was very cold, it was not fun to go out and clean off the car. Every time I am out there doing that, I bitch to my self how much more snow this car can hold than my last one. But I went out and did all the things that I had to do including going to the red apple barn and got the order for Kellyís breakfast; the raspberry squares. It wasnít a bad ride at all, surely not what I thought it would be. Kim was over this afternoon, to use the computer she knows more about this thing than I do although that is not very hard to do. She and Stevie are going to come over Friday to play Monopoly with it.

11/28/96. Daily Journal Thursday.Thanksgiving an interesting day to say the least, it started at seven when I got up to take a shower, of course I had been awake on and off from about 5:15. Kim came over at about 8:15 to carry the raspberry squares, and then I found out that Kelly was having the regular breakfast of eggs potatoís and beacon and sausage. I left a little sooner than I had planed but I was getting tired. As it turned out 4 of the kids were there, and it was nice to see them all together now grown up, and of course there were little Mike and little Evan, and they were performing well. I tried to get someone to walk me home under the pretense of maybe falling and no one being around, it was really my fear of the dogs, I am sorry I just canít help it. I was due at Shayneís, they were having a battle, and I wished that I was anywhere else but where I was. They were having a problem over the turkey, it was being cooked at her parentís house and it wasnít doing very well mainly because the oven was not turned on at the right time. So rather than stay there and listen to them pick at each other, I made an excuse about not having my pills, and left for a while, went and got myself some beer and then went back for about 2; 30. One thing really surprised me, her father and I had a nice conversation about our computers and the Internet. Neither one of us know too much so we are about an even level on that subject; all in all a good Thanksgiving.

11/29/96. Daily Journal Friday. A Stephen king day, I did my regular reading and prayer; and from then on finished Desperation; about 160 pages in all. Its an interesting story, now I am going to pick up where I was in Needful Things, I went through this one with cassettes a couple of years ago, and never finished it. So now I am going to pick up where I left off and do it to it.

11/30/96. Daily Journal Saturday. This is the day of my motherís death, I havenít heard from my sister, maybe she forgot.Danny called me because he found a web site that is all Bible and religions, I looked there for a while there is so much different things there it is unbelievable, I will be spending a lot of time there. I will have to read Dion some of these articles; it will drive him nuts that he does not have access to this material. It has a lot of prophecy in it..

12/1/96. Daily Journal Sunday. I didnít go to church and I should have, but I had a great prayer and reading.In the afternoon I was invited to Dannyís for a dinner of turkey, like a late thanksgiving and it was very good. Ron was there, he doesnít look very good, and today was his 50th birthday. He could pass for 65 easy. His girlfriend talks to herself all the time, that would drive me nuts, but to each his own. So all in all I ended up with a nice full Sunday, which for me is not the norm.

12/2/96. Daily Journal Monday. I had a very good day today with my son Danny we went to Staples and I bought a new mouse pad of tweedy-bird and a microphone, which I will probably never learn how to use. We had lunch at the country restaurant near Barns and Noble book store, it was very good, it is very nice in there, and you pay when you go in and then its all that you can eat. Shayne would love this place. As soon as I came home I had to lie down and take a nap. I was tired. Evan was the best that he ever was; a good little boy.

12/3/96. Daily Journal Tuesday. Today I went to the mall with my sister, we had a good day she finished up her Christmas shopping, and was very happy over that. We went to Stop and Shop and I spent another $35. I thought that I was done for the month yesterday.I really hurt today when I got home, and Kelly asked me to take Stevie to school for practice at basketball, I know that I canít be doing that all the time. I hope we donít have problems over this some time, I donít feel that I should be out running around because he doesnít want to walk up to the school.†††††††††††

12/4--12/13/96. This is to the best of my recollection the event of these days.

††††††††† Wednesday afternoon at about 3 PM I was going to take a shower and then lie back for the evening and just read it away. As I was getting undressed to shower, I discovered a bad infection on my big toe on the left foot. So I called Dr. Clutz and he called me back at about 5:30. After hearing the description of the toe he had me come right over. Once he got a look at it he decided to put me right into the hospital, when I got there he came right in behind, and took me right to admitting which was nice of him, because I donít know anything about the place. There I went through all the questions and got sent to a room, once in the room I was hooked up to IV fluids and medicines to try to clear up this infection. I donít know why but that night after Danny left I started to experience chest pains and they really hurt and went on all night until 8 AM. They kept coming in and asking me all kinds of questions. They were either suspecting problems with the heart or they feared a blood clot from this infection. That was a very hard and long night, the next few days were a blur of tests and all kinds of happenings to me, which for the most part were not all that pleasant. The person that I was in the room with had some of his own problems; he had some kind of problem with his digestive system. I got to know his father very well; we hit it right off. He was a nice guy, I liked him, he was very concerned about his son, and in return the son was acting like a dip shit! His father was trying to cheer him up, and he would tell him that he was dopey or something like that; it must have hurt his dad terribly, I know it would have me. This guy went to sleep with the TV on every night; it is not fun to wake in the night because this person is either to lazy, or too pampered to shut off a TV. In my case they started with the idea to do a by pass on the left leg but then farther on in the tests they found that the infection is in the bone of the toe also, so the implications of that are not very good. I donít want to loose part of my toe or all of it or the front of the foot, but there is no other treatment. So this is where I am now, my last day there should be mentioned, it was terrible, so many times they told me I was on my way and then they would learn something more about the situation that I was there from last Wednesday until this Friday the 13th. To get out I waited and waited until 11:30 AM and then got angry and complained about when I was to leave, and then low and behold, right after I expressed my concerns the doctor who was in charge of me showed up and released me. Not a good experience at all. Let me add a little something about last Sunday. The nurse looked at the foot and it looked bad again, so I asked for the doctor that was covering for my own doctors to come and look at it. He would not and did not come and look at it, this put me in an excellent mood as one can imagine I thought that it was right back to where it was when I came in on Wednesday. Apparently it wasnít but all day and that night I didnít know, and that was really bad for me. So there it is; Pats harrowing experience from 12/4-12/13.

12/15/96 Daily journal Sunday. Today was Briannaís birthday but I didnít go because of my foot; I was afraid to have one of the kids step on it, which would have been very easy to do in those cramped quarters. But I sent her present up with Kelly; she does a lot of things for me.Danny came down and did some things on the computer for me; he always seems to be doing something for me. He also hooked up my microphone for me, so that means me and Dion will one day be talking over it, somehow I doubt this. I see what Danny does with this computer and I just canít see Dion doing the things that he does. Maybe he will find someone to do these things for him.

12/16/96. Daily Journal Monday. Well I started in on my studies again, I started in Luke, and it went very well, I am going to change most of them, having to do with the amount of books that are used. And I am going to add some more of them, it should be quite a winter, I am going to accomplish a lot of what the Lord would have of me do.

12/17/96. Daily Journal Tuesday. I worked some more in Luke today. The part of Luke that I was in, the commentator was talking about the different ministries that people have, he talked about people who write the way I do. I never thought of myself as having a ministry, but the more I think about it this is what I seem to have; I want to do my best for our Lord.Kim came over this afternoon and used the computer, I really like to have her come over, one day she will grow up and be gone, so I want to have as much time with her as I can now before that happens.

12/18/96 Daily Journal Wednesday. A busy day, this morning I took the ham to my sister, and stayed there for a little while she is very concerned for me and I appreciate that. After I came back I hung around for a while and then after doing my reading went to Calgary and got the car serviced. While there a salesman tried to sell me another Lincoln which I told him was impossible seeing how I havenít even had my car a year yet, but he thought that he was going to sell it. Needless to say he didnít. Then I went to Dr. Clutz, and he gave me some very good news, he doesnít think that I will need any amputation, which I am very happy about. Tomorrow I dive into study, and I am going to stay there.

12/19/96. Thursday. Daily Journal.It was a different and kind of a quiet day, Brian was supposed to come up today for supper but didnít. He never called and told me that he wasnít so I waited and then called to get the news of his not coming. Well this is not so different from how many people have treated me over the years. Tomorrow will be different; tomorrow will be filled with study, not waiting.

12/20/96. Daily Journal Friday. It snowed last night, and it is very cold about 20 degrees. It is not nice out at all.I donít know why but I didnít accomplish very much today, but at the same time I did some very good reading in Godís Word. I have been given so many gifts I just donít know how to thank Him. I want to do the things that He has assigned me, please lord help me to do these things.

12/21/96. Daily Journal Saturday. I didnít accomplish anything like I wanted to today, and I donít know why. I was out for a time today but that still left me lots of time. I know that itís my fault, so I have to work on it; the devil canít win everyday. I had a good time when I went down to the Mall to see Brian but the rest of the day was a waist.

12/22/96. Daily Journal Sunday. I went to church this Sunday; it was an excellent experience. I should go every Sunday. The priest is great.I like him because he has brought the people back to our church. I spent a great deal of time on the Internet today; that Bible web sight is great. I could probably read and study there for the rest of my life. I even read some of Steven Kingís book. I went out today and bought a pork roast for Christmas Eve.

12/23/96. Daily journal Monday.Brian came up today, and we had a nice visit, we talked about the Lord and the world situation. Heís having problems with his wife as to this staying out until all hours of the night and morning. I have no advice for him and I give none, not knowing their real situation, anything could be wrong, so I say nothing, and I know that he is looking for something. I went to see the doctor and he said that the toe is doing well, which I am very pleased to hear. We wished each other well for the holidays, I like doctor Clutz, and I think the feeling is mutual. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve; the one time during the year that I get to have the kids all together so I am looking forward to this gathering.

12/24/96. Daily Journal Tuesday, the day before Christmas.Well it is 4 PM and the pork roast is cooking. The kids will start coming in about 6 PM. I will be glad when they show up; I will be back afterwards when they are gone. I wish that things were different, but they never will be. Signing off for now.Second Entry. Well they have all been here; it was a nice time for me to have them all. They all enjoyed the roast and Kellyís potato salad was great. The kids had a good time with the gifts. I ended up with just a ton of paper left but thatís all right. So there it is for another year. It went well.

12/25/96. Daily Journal Wednesday Christmas day. The holidays are over because a new year is nothing to me.I am going to take it easy between now and the New Year, and then go to work on my assignments from now until spring when the weather turns. I donít mind doing the work but I can hardly wait for this winter to end, and its only December. I have a long ways to go. It was nice being with my kids these last few days.

12/26/96. Daily Journal Thursday. Brian came up today; we had a long talk about many things, people that we worked with over the years. We also talked about Godís Word, and he read some of what I have written. Iím not sure of what he thought of it, but he sat there and read a lot of it. I will finish my yearly reading of the Bible tomorrow, and with it my drinking! Tonight I am going to sit back and relax.

12/27/96. Daily Journal Friday. I finally went to Brianís house. He lives on small twisty streets. I will go there again perhaps. I got along nicely with his wife; she doesnít look anything like she sounds, and when I met her I was surprised. But we had a nice visit for about 4 hours. Today was cold but nice out. The sun was shining; nice drives back and forth.

12/28/96. Daily Journal Saturday.I spent a good part of the day with Danny. I went up to his house and he gave me eggs and toast for breakfast. Evan was very tired and went to bed; he went right off to sleep. Danny showed me his chess games that he has played on the Internet; I learned many things about the net. I am going to put more effort into learning about this computer, because later in my life this will be helpful in passing time. I have decided to do what I should have done in the beginning. So! What can I tell you?I will probably never change! At his house I didnít do much, but when I came home I was tired; all my maladies are starting to take their toll.

12/29/96. Daily Journal Sunday. This morning Danny came down and did some things to the computer making it better he says. He does a lot of things for me that none of the other kids would do even if they could. Heís a good man and if I can ever help him I will.Later on Brian came up from Pittsfield. We had a Bible study; it went very well because heís interested in learning Godís Word. I am going to start getting more into this computer, as I should have months ago.

12/30/96. Daily Journal Monday. Today I went to see Dr. Corkins; he said that he was pleased with my progress. The average reading since I have been out of the hospital was 163 which is much better than 300. In the afternoon I had an appointment with Dr. Clutz, and he said that the toe was not going to come off and thatís good, he also said that he didnít think that I would have to have a by-pass operation. Unfortunately, I wasnít able to go to Shayneís blessing of his marriage, because I canít drive my car in the dark. I called him to explain. I wish I had been there.

12/31/96. Daily Journal Tuesday. It is now 12:30 noon. I just finished up the yearly reading of the Bible. I am sure that I will be back this day with another entry.Second Entry.Looks like tonight will be a long lonely night, so Iíll try to go to bed early, weíll see. The end of 1996, I wonder how 1997 will end or if I will even be here to see it. Hopefully this New Year will be less lonely. Good by 1996.

Daily Journal 1/1/97. Wednesday. It was very cold, 0 degrees when I got up, and it didnít get much higher than 10 or 15 today. I took the car out for a ride because it was frozen. I did my new study in Pastor Chuck; if I do a tape and a half a day I can do them all by early December. I didnít see anybody today; Brian called; he is having trouble studying the Bible, but heís trying. As for me, I want to increase my studying this year; personally I donít think that we have much longer to go!

Daily Journal 1/2/97 Thursday. Brian came up and took me to the eye doctor. The doctor saw something in the right eye that must come out, so I am going to have surgery in that eye again. So tomorrow Brian will come back and take me over, he is a good friend. Other than that it looks like a very long evening ahead.

1/3/96. Daily Journal Friday. I just got off the phone with Deb. I called for her birthday, we had a nice chat, and we were talking about how old she would like to be. We were talking about my grandmother who lived to 97. Brian came over to take me back and forth to the eye doctors and was stuck there for over 2hr. There was a mix up with my appointment so we sat for a while. IĎm to call back Monday to schedule the operation.

1/4/96. Daily Journal Saturday. Paid the bills today. I remember when I couldnít send bills because there wasnít enough money. Those were not the good old days believe me. I went for a ride to the store; I cheated and had a glazed donut for lunch. If my doctors knew that theyíd have a breakdown. Tomorrow I think Iíll sleep in.

1/5/97. Daily Journal Sunday. It has rained on and off all day.

1/6/96. Daily Journal Monday. I went to the Mall with my sister.

1/7/96 Daily Journal Tuesday. Well this is the first time I ever took some cans back to Vermont; I never did that before. Today is very cold and the snow is blowing around. There are wisps of snow blowing on the blacktop; it looks too cold. I accomplished some things today that I should have done a long time ago. Maybe Iíll do wash tomorrow.Second Entry. Danny showed up and put in the games that I wanted; I donít understand that part of this machine. I love that kid, of course he is a man, and has his own son. I am the idiot; we have no problem with that fact.

1/8/96. Daily Journal Wednesday. I went to the Mall. Itís nice today except that itís cold.

1/9/96. Daily Journal Thursday. This morning I went to Dannyís house, little Evan was performing as his usual, he was waving good-by before I even had my coat on to go. Danny and I fooled with the computer for a while. I wanted to see how I can play the games over that are in Chess Master 5000, I will be checking that out when I am finished with this entry. Kim came over tonight; her word processor would not read the disk that she made here on my processor.

1/10/96. Daily Journal Friday. Danny was down working on my computer. Heís a good son; he comes to my house and wastes his time with me. I never did that for my father, and I could have. I am getting a little better with the chess programs. Because of my son I have many things to do. One of these days I am going to need these things, because I wonít be able to go out anymore by myself. My sister called.

1/11/96. Daily Journal Saturday. In my studies in the document Pastor Chuck tapes, I found out what has been wrong with me, and the reason that I have been so lax in my studies. Somewhere along the line I have found a plateau for myself and have been happy there and so have not been doing my studies. Once you know what the problem is, it is easier to solve it and that process started today. I want the knowledge that God has for me. One day I will be able to say this better.

1/12/97. Daily Journal Sunday. I hemmed and hawed then came to my senses and went to church. It was a very nice mass. We had a different priest that speaks very loud. Heís a good speaker, we had him a couple of times before. I have no idea of how I did it but I have gotten Chuckís tape study a full day behind, doesnít sound like very much but it is 3 hours; I caught it before it got out of hand.I donít know why but Sundays I never see any of the family, I can hardly wait until I am in the nursing home. Iíll never see them.

1/13/97. Daily Journal Monday. As of about 7 tonight my Pastor Chuck tapes will be caught up, I think I know how I goofed it, but I am not sure. Today I took my sister to the Mall and we had a good time.

1/14/97. Daily Journal Tuesday. Danny was down with his son Evan for an hour today working on the computer.I havenít checked out what he did, but I will.

1/15/97. Daily Journal Wednesday. I got up today and didnít want to stay here, so I went out to the Mall with my sister. And it was a very good day.For the rest of the day I am just going to lay back and watch some videos.

1/16/97. Daily Journal Thursday. Weather wise today was terrible; it was over cast except for a while when the Sun came out. I answered Dionís tape. I got up a little earlier this morning, and I hope to get up a little earlier every day until I reach 6 AM. I did the Pastor Chuck tapes by about 10:30AM. Then the rest of the day was taken up with Dionís tape and at the same time I was making meatballs and sauce, and it came out great. I kept putting my tasting it on the tape to Dion. It was a good day in all.

1/17/97 Daily Journal Friday. Danny told me Colleen is going to have another child; I think thatís great. Today is very cold but also very sunny, I went out for a little ride and some business at the bank. And when I was out my hands got very cold.

1/18/97. Daily Journal Saturday. I went down to the Mall too see Brian, I called him to see if he wanted to meet me and have coffee, and he did. I was back at 1 and then did my study of Pastor Chuck. I had some more of my meatballs. Tonight my old acquaintance loneliness has showed up, I havenít entertained that in a while but tonight, here she is! Life can be painful, but then who of us doesnít have a great deal of pain in so many different ways, one day mine will be over. But for now this night it is here in all itís glory, signing off me. Hereís an old one, [silly soul]. I remember that on from those early morning walks down Arnold St. to go to work, that seems so long ago, and I remember it being so cold. My ex-wifeís husband told me once that he used to watch me walk down the street at that time, and he thought that I looked so tired. He used to watch me from his bed near the window, and then he would roll over and get some more sleep. What a terrible memory to have, but thatís the way that it was and is.

1/19/97. Daily Journal Sunday. Good study today working in the Pastor Chuck tapes; I will finish it up tomorrow.Now the Audi Murphy Biography is playing.All day today I have had a lot of pain, it started this morning at 5 AM; it is now 5:10 PM.

1/20/97. Daily Journal Monday. Today early about 8:30 I went to see Dr. Clutz; he think I donít need surgery. He could be operating on me; his partner wants to operate on everything; I am glad I have Dr. Clutz.When I came home I did some study. Tonight I changed the front room around to get more room.

1/21/97. Daily Journal Tuesday.I went to the eye doctor, and had surgery.I did a lot of silent prayer during that experience. It was very uncomfortable. The drive home was frightening because I couldnít see. I talked to my sister later. I learned a lot from my eye doctor; mainly I need to change my ways or face blindness. I have tried. It is hard. I have tried for years. I have alienated everyone I claim to love and then accuse them of not caring for me! Kim has just cut me off; Kelly canít wait to get off the phone with me; my grandson Stevie who does not speak to me, he comes into the house and doesnít say hello; and my Son in law knows I am a old fool. This is hard.I donít know anything. My children laugh at me. It hurts when my grandchildren laugh at me and my son in law just shakes his head. I find the can of beer I simply drink it.My family; my sight; my health; my pride; my honesty; my life; even my LORD! All run a distant second to thisÖAnd my high-minded Daily Journal; not used for truth and whatís real but to accuse others and prop up my edifice of lies!

1/22/97. Daily Journal Wednesday. A good report from Dr. Corkins; if he only knew; but we will leave that alone now.Youíve had the truth just once; donít expect it again while Iím alive. After I got done with the doctor I went to the Mall then came home and did some Pastor Chuck, and my sister called and we talked for quit a while, mostly about loneliness. And now here I am talking to you, have a good day, or evening, which ever comes first.

1/23/97. Daily Journal Thursday.A good day this morning Pastor Chuck and a ride up to N. Adams. I like to take a daily ride. This afternoon Brian came over and we had some meatballs that I made the other day. Dion called up in the morning; heís all shook up by the idea of getting a computer. I told him what he should do but I donít think he listened.So we will wait and see.

1/24/97. Daily Journal Friday. Danny was down today and did a lot of things to the computer, now the desktop theme is Chess. Some stuff was being down loaded but the Internet disconnected and we lost it all. Tonight is sitting back and just relaxing. What else is new?

1/25/97. Daily Journal Saturday. It was very foggy and misty all day, a perfect arthritis day, a lot of pain. (I donít really have arthritis) The three hours of Pastor Chuck was good but not what it should have been. Tomorrow I change my whole schedule for every day from here on, it could be a lot better and it is going to be.I started looking at the book that helps with the Talmud and was very impressed.

1/26/97. Daily Journal Sunday. I didnít go to church, but I had a good day of study, I worked on my Pastor Chuck tape and kept the notes on the processor. That was an experiment for eventually doing that same thing with this. I can type now better than I can write. My writing is so bad that I can hardly read it and it is easier for me to type. Today was nice but cold, I donít think that I want to go out tomorrow; I want to just stay home for a few days and take stock of myself. I had a call from Kelly.

1/27/97. Daily Journal Monday. Today I went to the Mall with my sister but began to have pain, so I came home and lay down for a while. I avoid the pills all that I can because they donít go well with the case and a half of beer I drink every evening. Iím health conscious like thatÖ Tonight I am going to just hang out, and start a real system of study tomorrow.

1/28/97. Daily Journal Tuesday. Today is car payment day.The weather is miserable; out side is slush; I had to go out and shovel some of it.

1/29/97. Daily Journal Wednesday. My sister called and we went to the Mall, I started hurting shortly after we arrived so cut it short. I hate to do that but I had to. I canít walk around in pain there is just no pleasure in it. But she understood, she at times has a lot of pain herself. Pains my best friend.It gives me all the excuses I need to crawl through life and embrace my demons.After I got home I did my Pastor Chuck, and that made everything all right. Now I am watching some of my own tapes, so I will have a very good evening.

1/30/97. Daily Journal Thursday. This is the day that I think that my font room is complete, I got the green ottoman at Sears and this completes this room. I put some rock salt on the ice outside but I donít know if it is going to help. I printed out the rest of Luke. I am not going out to the Mall.

1/31/97. Daily Journal Friday. I went to the Mall. I had a good time. I like going there. I just wish that I would see more of my old acquaintances. My sisterís driveway is full of ice; very slippery; so I have to be careful. Iíve got some videos running that are about volcanoes.

2/1/97 Daily Journal Saturday. I did some shopping. Stevie came and took my empty beer cans.

2/2/97. Daily Journal Sunday Today in the morning I had this battle with myself about the non studying that is going on with me, and I settled it by just starting in my studies and from then on everything went well. Right after noontime Brian called so we went to the Mall and had a good time. In general it was a very good day. For supper I had a chicken sandwich, and potato chips with water.

2/3/97. Daily Journal Monday. Well I am still doing the Pastor Chuck 3 hour study a day. I went out for only a little while today, it was a bad day for arthritis, and what can I say?

2/4/97. Daily Journal Tuesday. I just got finished talking with Debi, and we agreed that it would be better if I didnít come up for her graduation, it is too much for everybody for me to go up. I am going to try to send her as much as I can for her graduation, she needs a car and I am going to try to help her as much as I can. I hate not being there but it would be too much trouble for everyone. And then there are those that would be much happier if I didnít go. Today I did exactly what I was saying that I wouldnít; I took my sister to the mall, what else is new. I am in the house until at least next Monday. I am going to study period, and change some things in my life. A lot of prayer is going to be required.

2/6/97. Daily Journal Thursday. A very good day spent with our Lord, I am not going to lose this time, I had it before and I am not going to loose the studying again. I had a wonderful day full of the joy of the Lord; I am going to start all my days like this one. Yesterday was good but today was terrific. I did two small studies and started to reorganize my studies, and I am not eliminating any of them in fact I am going to add Jeremiah. I just decided after seeing this. Lord thank you for such a day as this, I am going to try to have them all like this form now on till I drink myself to death. No nursing home period.

2/7/97. Danny came down today I was glad to see him, I am always glad to see him. He is trying to download a program for me and the Internet keeps cutting it off half way through. But never the less we had a nice visit, I am very glad to have the relationship that I have with him, we have a good time together. He is concerned for me, and I am glad to know that. I should have been more of a son to my father as Danny is a son to me. God has given me so much; I donít know how to say thanks. Five beautiful children, nothing wrong with any of them, and they are all doing well in life. What more could I ask?

2/8/97. Daily Journal Saturday. Well it took a couple of days but I have finished my new document Order. They are all straight for the first time. I even added one more, Jeremiah; this one should be as interesting as any of the others. I am going to take Dionís tape and tell him all about it, he likes to keep talking about his job well Iíll give him something to think about. My study of Jeremiah will be my best!

I just got off the phone with Kelly, she wants my car to go to Debbieís house but I didnít give it to her. I may be wrong, but I want my car here, I have a problem driving and I want a car that I am completely familiar with. If this is unreasonable than I am guilty. Iíve decided that from now on Iím not doing anything for anybody because Iím better than them and they all owe me. I went to the doctors and got good about my foot.

2/11/97 Daily Journal Tuesday. My sister woke me up with the phone, and I ended up going to the mall, but for the rest of the week I will be in. The only day that I have to go out is Friday to see the eye doctor to find out how I am doing. I am sure that one day the problem in the eyes will win, but I would like to put it off as long as possible. I will try to keep real track of my sugars for the next few days.

2/13/97. Daily Journal Thursday. It was an interesting day, I was putting some of the old disks on paper, and my first cassette that prints the information out did 19 pages before it died. The transferring of the information is going very well and now I am off to check out Jeremiah!I think this will be my study to end all studiesÖ

2/15/97. Daily Journal Saturday. I havenít started Jeremiah, I donít know if I will ever start this.

2/16/97. Daily Journal Sunday. Today I was laying down listening to Chuck tapes and I was fantasizing about going back to a place in my life and doing things differently. Like starting over so-to-speak I was reasoning that you could not go back and keep your present thoughts, they would be a hindrance instead of help. So you would have to go without your past thoughts, and you would end up doing the same things that you did the first time. So as far as I can see, you can change your life right now, if you really want too, so I am going to make my change when I wake up tomorrow. I see no reason why I canít. Also why rush and start tonight when theirs a couple cases of Beer left to drink. So see you tomorrow.

2/17/97. Daily Journal Monday. Well I worked in Pastor Chucks tapes for a while today, it went well and I had a good time with the Lord for most of the day. Every time I start a day with a real good prayer that day goes extremely well, although I didnít start the day as I was looking forward to. So I will attempt it again tomorrow. Its like when you finally quit smoking, it works like try again but if you hold out long enough one day it finally works, and with God on your side you just have to know that that day is out there. I will be so glad when this winter is over, the yard out there is just ice, it seems like everyday it gets a little added to it. Although I took a nice ride to N Adams, I do that sometimes, the freedom that I have provided for me by God is nice.

2/18/97. Daily Journal Tuesday. Today I finished the study that I started yesterday in the Chuck tapes; I thought that they came out very well. I took a ride to the Mall by myself, it was a failure, I started to get bad pain. It hurt awful and I barely got out of there but once I got to the car I was all right. I think tomorrow I will start up Jeremiah.

2/20/97. Daily Journal Thursday. Today was nice. I took Kim and Stevie to the Mall we had a good time. We had a little lunch and then we went to the Bookstore. They said that they had Shawnís annual Christmas gift; a $5 gift certificate for Walbaums bookstore. I donít know why but I am so tired and it is getting to be more and more.

2/22/97. Daily Journal Saturday. Had coffee with Brian. He wanted to know if a colored guy caused my divorce. He asked me in a clumsy way and made me feel bad. I wonder if this divorce will ever stop making me feel bad? A lousy day, too bad maybe it will go away. I donít think that I will call Brian too soon again, we will see.

2/23/97. Daily Journal Sunday. I went to church and it was very rewarding, I have to work on making this a thing that I do all the time, maybe I will start going to daily Mass. That would be a great way to start any day; you know the more that I think about it it is a great idea; what better way to start everyday serving the Lord, which is what I profess to want to do.

2/24/97. Daily Journal Monday. Went up to Dannyís for lunch, and saw little Evan, we had a nice time together, and I really like it when we can spend some time. I wonder what my future in this world is going to be. I mean in regards to my health, especially my vision. I suppose that people would tell me not to worry about it, but that doesnít work. It is like these guys when we were getting laid off, as long as it wasnít them is was fine, well when it got to be their turn well then it was different. All I want to do is too live for the lord.

2/25/97. Daily Journal Tuesday. The more news that I see lately make me think that we are on the verge of something, I donít know what but something is going to happen, and I donít think we have any control over the situation. Tonight there is a group on TV taking credit for a bombing in Atlanta; they say that they are the army of Christ. I donít understand how they can set bombs and say they are serving our Lord, but people can take the Bible and make it say anything that they want it to say. We are certainly living in strange times and thatís for sure, I personally believe that these are the end times predicted in Godís Word. The show ancient prophesies is running in the other room, lets see what it has to say.

2/26/97. Daily Journal Wednesday. I went to the Mall with my sister, we had a good time, and she bought something for Janetís birthday. We stopped at stop and shop, thatís where I started to hurt but we were already done so it was all right.I was talking to the big one armed guy in Sears, he seems to know more than all the others put together, he was busy today. But one day when he is not so busy I will ask him a lot of questions about how to use the scanner, he seems to have the answers. Didnít get any time for study today.

2/27/97. Daily Journal Thursday. This morning it was very foggy and it was raining very hard at times, I thought that I would call my sister and make some small talk for a while. Well it didnít take long for me to realize that she couldnít wait for me to get off the phone, so I did, I will not call like that again. And then no tape from Dion, it is not fun to be running across town everyday looking for this thing, so I am not going looking for this thing all the time so that I can do it quickly for him so he can enjoy himself, no more. He simply doesnít care about anyoneís convenience but his own. I donít even know why I bother with him anymore at all. Brian called up, I am not sure why he did call, and maybe he senses that he screwed up. Then I put Pastor Chuck on for three straight, and while it ran I did some of the old disks, I mean putting them on paper. After that I am and was bored to death. Supper was nice. I had a small Hamburg with some homemade fried potatoes. And with the aid of the phone I found out that the eye doctors nurse, I think, has not sent the material that Met life wanted yet. This was the high point of my day, what if I really needed this money?

2/28/97. Daily Journal Friday. Well today was different, I went to the mall twice, in the morning I was bored so I went down to get some underwear and new sweat pants. Well at least I needed them, and then after I was home and had had lunch, Brian called and I went down again to see him, we had a good time. While we were there we ran into George, George is a nice guy one of the few. We had a good time with George, we laughed and talked and it was great, George has bought a new house and was there looking for a lot of things that he needs for it, he was very happy. And I was glad for him! Now I am home listening to Pastor Chuck, tomorrow is the weekend; I donít think that I am going to leave the house even once.

3/2/97. Daily Journal Sunday. Well I didnít go to church and I should have. I had a nice little chat with Kelly this morning; sometimes I just get lonely and would like to have someone to talk to. I have a lot of things to do, but sometimes you just want to talk to another human being. I didnít do anything with my studies today, but I will make up for it, there will be no Mall tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with going to the Mall it is just some weeks I go too much. Kelly and the kids went to the Mall and to the movies, she told me when we were talking. I am very glad that she gives so much of herself to them they need that more than anything else she could do for them.

3/3/97. Daily Journal Monday. A lazy day I guess that would fit this day, the only thing is most of my days are lazy days, and they seem to be growing, but thatís all right where am I going? At least now I am getting the 3 hours of Pastor Chuck done in the morning, and then the day is mine as all are. I enjoy my days, only one thing I have to make sure that I do my regular reading and study first thing in the morning. If I donít it just isnít as good as it could be, you see I do my main praying then best, and this is exactly the devil is coming against that. One day I want to ask why the devil was so interested in coming against me, I am nobody what is the big deal. If he comes against me this bad, what must someone like Pastor Chuck go through?

3/5/97. Daily Journal Wednesdays. I wasnít going to go to the mall but it was such a nice day that I went anyway, we had a good time. For a while I had some real bad pain, but after sitting a few times it got better. All in all it was a good day. I donít feel very well tonight I have all kinds of different pain; I am going to have to talk to the doctor about this stuff.

3/6/97. Daily Journal Thursday.I was sitting and thinking again what if this or that for my life, I was thinking what if I had the ability to go back and do it over again. I was thinking that I would pick the night that I got hurt; Billy and me were on the way to practice for our graduation from grammar school to high school. I would now not go and get hurt I would have gone to the practice, and from then on worked to become a Biblical Archeologist. Well I canít do that but I could devote the rest of my life to God in every way, and as far as I can tell within the next few days I am going to do that. It would be just like going back, and starting over. Well God has brought me to a place that I can do that, and that is what I want to do, and am going too. Lord I love you please help me, I canít do it alone, there is nothing to stop me but the devil, like I said Lord please help me.

3/7/97. Daily Journal Friday. Today looked very nice out but it was bitter cold and the wind was blowing very hard. I went to do the wash by the time I was done my hands were so cold so long that they hurt worse than they ever had. All I really did was to take a ride to Stop and Shop and get a few things that I needed other than that I stayed in. I donít know why but I took 2 long naps, I guess that it has something to do with the insulin, I hope that that doesnít keep up, we will see.

3/9/97. Daily Journal Sunday. Looks like I missed doing my Journal yesterday, well thatís the way that it goes. Went to church today, I always seem to have so much better of a day for it. I went to the mall about 1 PM to see Brian we had a good talk and just an all round good time.

3/10/97. Daily Journal Monday. I have started watching all my old Bible movies, and there are a lot of them, but it will be a good thing to do for lent, right now David is running with Gregory Peck. Today was all right even a little warmer. The more I think about, Dion the more aggravated I get. I am beginning to wonder if I should keep this communication going with him all I get out of it is more aggravation. It doesnít seem worth it.

3/12/97. Daily Journal Wednesday. I finally got Dionís tape it is a useless bore, he reads to me from ads for a car for his boy, what do I care, he reads me ads for software for a computer, what do I care I have the same things here. Then he talks to me about his job and their schedules, I couldnít care less I donít work there, and I am seriously thinking about cutting this thing off. Now all he can talk about now is going on line and talking all the time about nothing. And when he is talking about something of any interest, he talks in such a way that you donít listen to him anyway. Other than that I went to the mall today and actually had a good day with my sister, I think that I irritate her and sometimes donít even know it, but thatís life.

3/15/97. Daily Journal Saturday. Very early this morning, I think, a little after 2AM; I woke up thinking someone was standing over me.This is very strange, as I have never had anything like this happen to me before.Their was no-one of course so I watched the snow fall for awhile then went back to bed.




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